Quickhits for April 17, 2014

Sleaze Not

After one of its bartenders was charged with selling alcohol to a minor, He’s Not Here has announced that it will no longer host 18 and up events. Now students under 21 will have to wait years before entering the bar. Or get a fake ID that kinda maybe looks like them if you squint really hard and just go with it.

The hero we need

Warren Buffett’s son, Howard Buffett, has pledged to provide a helicopter and millions of dollars in assistance to help stop rhino poachers in South Africa. An extremely wealthy man’s son promising to fight crime sounds familiar though. It looks like Christopher Nolan’s “The Horned Knight Rises” might finally be made.

End of an era

Local favorite Time After Time has shut its doors after liquidating its assets and driving down international prices for dashikis and weird smelling overalls. Now students will actually have to put thought into their Halloween costumes, rather than just grabbing a few clothes from there and going as a slutty hobo.

A modest proposal

A proposal is waiting to be approved by the NCAA that would allow student-athletes to receive unlimited food. This comes right after Shabazz Napier’s remarks about going to bed hungry. He has now also made statements regarding the utter lack of moon bounces,  Segways and personal hype men.

Junk food bonds

The USDA has stated that starting July 1, all junk food will be banned from schools. This includes student stores and fundraisers. With the announcement that Cosmic Brownies and honey buns will no longer be served, sugar-addicted kids have begun rioting. It’s been called the cutest, angriest, saddest thing ever.

So long

In an ironic twist, the #CancelColbert movement has been successful.  Stephen Colbert will soon end his show — only to begin hosting “The Late Show.” While we’ll love the extra hours of Colbert, his far right persona will be missed. Now we’ll just have to get really drunk and convince ourselves Bill O’Reilly is really just kidding.