Column: A listicle for CUAB

T he Carolina Union Activities Board: They made our lives better with beautiful things such as Wale, great movies and college student kryptonite — free food.

They’re working ‘round the clock in the Union, probably having futures as wedding planners for bridezillas and looking damn good in a blue polo. But I feel like CUAB could step up their game a little with the help of some creativity and a few churros. Here are a few suggestions for future events:

Parachute Day in the Great Hall: #tbt to when my life peaked in third grade on parachute day in gym class. We’ll play the usual parachute games then sit in a circle inside the parachute and talk about our feelings or sustainability or something.

End-of-exams parent encouragement, 8-year-old soccer game style: You’ll trot through a tunnel of high fives from enthusiastic parent-types in jean shorts and “Life is Good” T-shirts. At the end, you’ll find orange slices and Capri Suns to quench your thirst and brain after long nights in Davis Library.

Churro Day: Very simple — give out free churros in the Pit. I’m not really sure why this wasn’t on the platform of every student body president candidate last year. You would’ve had it in the bag. Better yet, let’s just give out free churro makers for all of us to keep in our homes. I’ll suggest this to Oprah for her next giveaway. YOU GET A CHURRO MAKER! YOU GET A CHURRO MAKER!

Haunted House in Phillips Hall: Low budget, high quality. Just turn the lights off and Phillips instantly becomes the perfect setting for a horror movie. This event will also give the biomedical engineering students a night off from staying in the labs until 3 a.m. Shout out to BME majors. First in line at Churro Day.

Hug The Chancellor Day: This has been a dream of mine ever since Chancellor Carol Folt graced us with her tiny-statured presence. This might be a slight security issue, but if you don’t get to warmly embrace the chancellor by the time you graduate, did you even go to UNC? I’d prefer for this to happen after we slow-motion run toward each other in a field of daisies. I’d also settle for Vice Crispy because I feel like he’d be an excellent hugger.

Middle School Dance: Girls will middle part their hair and boys will bring back the good ol’ hair gel. The DJ will play “Buy U A Drank” by T-Pain while we dance in weird grind trains for three hours. Before the big event, make sure to learn the hot dance craze “The Pendulum,” in which one just sways from side to side with no rhythm whatsoever.

As for suggestions for homecoming next year, let’s get the young and hip artists that are all over the current party playlists — like The Wiggles or Kenny G.

Final suggestion: please put the “Catz” painting by Wendy’s in a more central location so all students can more easily appreciate its beauty and ambiguous meaning.