Assistant copy editor Drew Goins (the one with the good eyebrows) and assistant online editor Kelsey Weekman (the one with the even better eyebrows) have teamed up for The Daily Tar Heel’s newest feature: “You Asked for It,” a weekly advice column in which the two experts give their sarcastic, hilarious and rarely helpful advice in response to anonymous questions submitted by UNC students. Results may vary.
You: I have a crush on two different guys right now. How do I know which one to pick?
You Asked for It: First of all, Bella Swan, let’s bottle up that teen angst and save it for a rainy day in Washington. The first step to picking a potential date is making sure that neither is a supernatural creature. Can you see his reflection in a mirror? Is he still around during the full moon? If you answered no to either of those questions, you might be in a pickle.
Choosing between these two eligible bachelors will be difficult. We suggest making a pros and cons chart and measuring up the good and bad side of each dude.
Start with survival skills: Can he fight? How is he at scavenging? You really have to think of the future here. If there is a horrible sharknado that threatens civilization, where is your man?
If your suitors are still evenly matched...we don’t know. Which one’s taller?
You: I feel like everything on campus is under construction. What am I supposed to Instagram?
YAFI: It’s true, y’all. The quad is wack right now, but, luckily, we still live in the Southern Part of Heaven. The sky is literally (figuratively) the Valencia filter. Just because there are currently more chain-link fences on campus than Dance Marathon volunteers in the Pit doesn’t mean your Insta game needs to suffer one bit.
