Letter: ?Tillis is far from the greatest Thom

CORRECTION: Due to an editing error a previous version of this letter misstated the author’s year of graduation. Jason Storey graduated from UNC in 2013. The letter has been updated to reflect this change. The Daily Tar Heel apologizes for the error.

Due to space constraints, The Daily Tar Heel published a shortened version of this letter in its Oct. 20 print edition. 

TO THE EDITOR:

Thanks to a clerical error I can only describe as surreal, this progressive just got a letter from the NRA. I plan to mail this response:

Dear Neurotic Repressed Army,

Thank you for your letter and for advising me to vote for Thom Tillis. I must say, though: I’m not sure you know who this man really is.

For one thing, he clearly stole his first name from Thom Yorke, English musician of Radiohead fame. If you doubt me, note carefully the extra “H” slipped in under the radar.

One of these Thoms — the real Thom — is a musical genius. He created such enduring masterpieces as  OK Computer,   Kid A  and  The Bends , and he changed the landscape of alternative rock.

Tillis is clearly envious of Yorke’s talent — specifically of his crooning, beautiful voice. I don’t blame him for this.

Yorke is enviable; he reaches into his soul, finds a deep emotion never before experienced and then wrenches it out by singing, touching us all — a rare and precious ability.

Now, as a general rule, if you're going to get in touch with that intensity of emotion, it's best if you remain unarmed. Tillis likely stares into his bathroom mirror at night, crooning, Radiohead-style, rifle in hand. What if he snaps? Do you really want to endorse an old man desperate to make an impact on 90's rock? Honestly, who sings to their own reflection while armed? The vanity!

Also, Tillis might have been less racist in his identity theft. Perhaps in the next election, he should call himself Miles Tillis, just to let his constituents know he appreciates great African American musicians like Miles Davis. The options are endless, really: Dizzy Tillis, Thelonius Tillis, Aretha Tillis…

On another note: Your letter did bring me some comfort. I feel a little safer walking the streets knowing that, since you’re working round the clock to arm the public, Cletus and Billy Bob will be able to fend off Obama’s drone strikes with deer rifles.

You never know when the government’s going to turn nasty, you know? We need to be prepared!

Zach Storey

Class of ’13