Drew Goins (not actually the devil) and Kelsey Weekman (undecided) are “You Asked for It,” a column in which the two experts give you their rarely helpful advice. Results may vary.
You: I think my house is haunted. How do I ask a ghost out on a date?
YAFI: Take advantage of the supernatural condition of your house and set up some romantic entrapments, like you’re asking someone to prom in the surprisingly successful 2006 movie “Monster House.”
Scrawl a flirty (but spooky) message on the mirror in the blood of the changeling you just slayed. Wait for her while watching from behind a picture frame with the eyeholes cut out. Her phone call will come from within your house, and the caller ID will be “Unknown.” But don’t worry — it’s her! Still check on the children, though.
Her call will likely just consist of heavy, rattling breaths, so be on the lookout for other responses to your ghoulish gesture — candles lighting themselves, for instance, or a trap door opening to a renovated torture chamber now filled with rose petals and an in-progress flash mob by the locals (bats, goblins, etc.).
And now, with consent, you have yourself a “boo.” We’ll see ourselves out.
You: Does a Halloweener wanting to have a modest costume have any hope?
YAFI: Come All Hallows’ Eve, Franklin Street turns into a Victoria’s Secret runway, but some people, whether they’re motivated by cold, modesty or the Amish way, want nothing more than to be as covered up as the UNC academic scandal.
If you fall into this demographic, fear not. Buckle your seatbelts and hang onto your tankinis for these wildly sensible suggestions.
