You Asked for It: In which we forecast footwear and lament Lenoir Dining Hall

Drew Goins (who almost wrote this week’s column as Rita Balaban) and Kelsey Weekman (who never took a class with Balaban, but deeply respects her nevertheless) are “You Asked for It,” a column in which the two experts give you their rarely helpful advice. Results may vary.

You: What shoes should I wear around campus?

YAFI: As temperatures rise throughout the day, you can shed your North Face, but you’d better leave your shoes on unless you’re aiming for “Boho Chic” or “Hip Hobbit.”

Try Toms. You’ll look socially conscious, but when it rains (or if you have to traverse a swath of seashells) on the way to your Teach For America interest meeting, you’ll long for those mesh waterproof shoes you wore on the beach as a kid if you were a weenie.

Maybe consider Chacos. If you click your heels together twice, a trail of granola will lead you to a roost of ENO hammocks, but that won’t protect your toes from frostbite.

With combat boots, tripping on bricks won’t be a problem, but you might destroy everything in your path — overambitious publicity directors, wayward squirrels, etc.

Crocs are always an option. Sure, you’ll look like you just came from gardening with your grandkids, but you’ll have great arch support and, in water resistance, they’re second only to the beach weenie shoes.

As far as Uggs go, we all secretly love them, but sadly you can only wear them with a pink velour jumpsuit.

You: How do I stop dreading Lenoir?

YAFI: Unless you’re a freshman of the variety that still refers to it as TOPO, you’ve likely grown tired of Top of Lenoir. You’d rather scrounge up food from the abandoned Pita Pit than stomach one more plum tofu slider.

But the fear of your mother chastising you for unused swipes beckons you up the escalator, and though dreary overall, Lenoir has some bright spots.

Stop by the sushi bar. Each roll only has one ingredient, but they feature the sea’s finest bounties — imitation crab, chicken, even cucumber.

Never be afraid to express your discontent, either. A strongly worded napkin pinned up on the corkboard can go a long way, especially if it’s yet another request for Frosted Flakes. Strength in numbers, y’all!

Of course, one gold standard remains untouchable — the cookies. Run to them before all that remains are gluten-free, free-range, grass-fed brownies. Then again, as long as you’ve lost your taste buds in a chemical accident, a dollop of lactose-free soft serve can fix even those bad boys right up.