Column: That’s rough, Larry

O h, Larry. I really thought we were done. We’re on the verge of this getting old, fast, but you leave me no choice.

After you and your Tar Heels escaped Pittsburgh Saturday with a 40-35 win, you stood at the podium in Kenan, a view of the field to your right, and opened up an honest view into your heart.

On 4th-and-2, at the 29-yard line, down by one, you were faced with the biggest decision you’ve made since wondering how many crunches were too many crunches.

“I didn’t plan on kicking a field goal,” you said. “I planned on scoring.”

For those who are woefully unaware of the fundamentals of football yet inexplicably care enough to be reading this column, a field goal is worth three points. When you get points in sports, most people like to call that “scoring.”

But you’re not most people, Larry, and your kicking unit is not most kicking units.

It takes a special special teams to be the butt of the joke when the opponents’ kicker is — and I’m not making this up — named Chris Blewitt. But they managed.

They managed, this season, to hit field goals at a rate worse than James Michael McAdoo hits free throws. That’s special.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m ecstatic that you finally have enough trust in Marquise Williams to give him the ball on that 4th-and-2 and tell him to make something happen. I’m ecstatic that he did just that — don’t tell my boss though, I’m not supposed to care.

But man, is it disheartening when field goals are so little of a factor in any of your apparent contingency plans that you don’t even equate them to scoring anymore.

Now I know you probably don’t believe it, Larry, but I’m on your side, which is why I’m willing to offer some help. A contingency plan, if you will. It’s even endorsed by the best player you’ve produced in your program here.

On Oct. 25, after Nick “Why Him?” Weiler missed two field goal attempts in a one-point win against Virginia, Eric Ebron sent out a tweet: “Ima Need The Barth Family To Produce Another TarHeel (sic).”

In all seriousness, Mr. and Mrs. Barth, whatever we need to do, we’re on it. If you need adoption papers filled out, I’m sure Jan Boxill will be happy to help out. I heard she teaches hundreds of classes on papers.

But in the meantime, Larry, kick around a few ideas. If you’re really lucky, you just might hit on something.