Upon returning from his voyage to the Galapagos Islands, Charles Darwin made what to modern academics might seem like a peculiar career move. Rather than devoting his energy to publishing what would become “On the Origin of the Species” — that would have to wait over 20 years — he returned to the respectable work of a student of nature at the time: writing extensive monographs of plants and animals. In Darwin’s case, it was barnacles of all things that captivated his attention.
In homage to this seemingly obscure undertaking, I have decided to try my hand as a naturalist by cataloging the squirrel population of UNC, or Sciurius tarheelius. For maximum effect, please read the following remarks in the voice of Sir David Attenborough.
Sciurius tarheelius is a subpopulation of the Eastern Gray Squirrel with unique properties adapted to life on a college campus. Its home spans from Franklin Street to U.S. 15-501, north to south, and Ridge Road to South Columbia Street from east to west. Population density is high in McCorkle and Polk Places. Akin to Oscar from “Sesame Street,” these rodents make their homes in the numerous trash cans distributed throughout campus.
The diet of Sciurius tarheelius consists of equal parts acorns and pizza from Lenoir, with the addition of cookies from Ram’s Head as one travels farther south. This has resulted in chronic obesity throughout the population that is only kept in check by the necessity of dashing to a trash can to avoid falling prey to the campus’ well-fed hawks and owls. I speculate that the squirrels suffer from hypertension due to their poor diet and stressful lifestyle, and I intend to test this hypothesis once my squirrel-sized blood pressure cuff arrives from Amazon.
The behavior of Sciurius tarheelius ranges from extreme paranoia to brazen fearlessness, likely due to constant consumption of discarded caffeinated beverages. Though likely an outlier, at least one squirrel has demonstrated a propensity for social media usage as evidenced by the Gossip Squirrel UNC Facebook page.
Attempts at domesticating these energetic creatures have been made, as in the case of the famous Squirrel Girl of 2012. This attempt at animal husbandry, however, was promptly thwarted by residence hall staff. One is left to ponder the possibility of traversing campus via sled-squirrels during the cold winter months.
Lastly, Sciurius tarheelius are known to meet in gatherings of up to 100 individuals in McCorkle Place during periods of prolonged student absence. Though translation of their language is still ongoing, I suspect the purpose of these assemblies is to plot their impending takeover of South Building and the installment of their leader, Chancellor Bolt.
I, for one, welcome our new squirrel overlords. After a comprehensive review, I have reached the inescapable conclusion that Carolina Squirrels are, in fact, the best in the world.
