You Asked For It: In which we befriend the basketball team and seek employment

Drew Goins (live from Spain) and Kelsey Weekman (dead) are the advice columnists of “You Asked for It,” a weekly advice column in which the two experts give their rarely helpful advice in response to anonymous questions submitted by UNC students. Results may vary.

You: How can I get the basketball players to notice me?

YAFI: Basketball players are the campus’ top celebrities, like the Kardashians of UNC but with substantially greater talent and intellect (ya heard, Mary Willingham?).

But be cool. They’re people just like us, only they’re eight to 18 inches taller and they have more skill in the laces of their “Legend Blue” Air Jordan 11’s than you have in your whole body.

Asking to take a selfie at a party is fine, but offer them something in return.

Present Marcus with a Wilson basketball or the keys to PNC Arena because you know he earned them. Give Kennedy a Sutton’s milkshake, but make sure it’s low-fat because if he gains that weight back, the announcers will have nothing to talk about.

If you’re ballin’ on a budget, go rogue during one of those dumb halftime icebreaker games and rush the court into the locker room. You might get carried out by a yellow-poncho-wearing security guard the size of the Chapel Hill Police Department’s not-so-secret armored car, but the team will surely remember you (in their nightmares). It’s worth it.

You: Should I look for a cool internship this summer or get a boring job that actually pays money?

YAFI: Classic college dilemma. You could head off to spend a summer in San Francisco at the artisan waffle startup you discovered. But while a “stipend” of the Belgian treats themselves would be great for a 7-year-old, you’ve got constantly mounting tuition to pay.

So you think about going back for the seventh summer in a row to do data entry at the medical equipment company where your dad works and the employees refer to you as “Dave’s kid.”

But no matter how many podcast episodes you listen to at your computer, Adnan Syed will never be that charming, and copying and pasting numbers from one Excel table to another will never be engaging.

The easy answer is to find an awesome paid internship — like Google-level gigs with slides and nap pods — but these gems are fewer and more far between than art history majors in the Goldman Sachs summer program.

If you are trying to snatch up one of the few, though, you’re already late in the game — most business majors interviewed for summer 2015 internships in eighth grade.

Your best decision here is not to make one. Stall until literally every deadline passes and you end up nannying the neighbor’s 9- and 7-year-old for the summer. Waffles suck anyway.