You Asked for It: In which we advise the tragically single and tragically taken

Drew Goins (That wasn’t Kristen Wiig dancing with Sia — that was him!) and Kelsey Weekman (Beck) are the advice columnists of “You Asked for It.” Results may vary.

You: How should I pass the time this Valentine’s weekend if I don’t have a special someone to spend it with me?

YAFI: Don’t be ashamed to stay in. Just think of all the money you’re saving! Now you can afford that really swanky single plot at the cemetery.

Settle down on the couch with something feel-good like “Property Brothers” or “The Wire.” Burrow so deeply into the cushions that you are rendered immobile in a cocoon of leathery warmth and tiny pieces of popcorn that are probably there because your roommate is messy and it’s not your fault because that’s gross.

See if NASA will pay you $18,000 to remain in that semi-incapacitated stupor for 70 days.

Interested in going out? Stop that. Don’t be. You’re much safer indoors. Trust us. You’ll be safer from Cupid’s arrows. And measles. Mainly measles.

You: This is my relationship’s third Valentine’s Day. I’m tired of trying to outdo my S.O. with celebrations. Where do we go from here?

YAFI: Keeping the romance alive without setting up unrealistic, unsustainable expectations is tough. And if we had a solid answer to print here, people would probably start scalping this paper on Franklin.

Instead, we’ll offer you this: Rather than trying to one-up each other this year, keep the flirty, competitive spirit alive — but sensible — by one-downing each other.

Start off by planning something extravagantly romantic and old-fashioned that you hardly ever see anymore these days, like a horse-drawn carriage ride, a picnic under the stars or basic human interaction.

Then slowly downgrade your plans bit by bit. Let the carriage to the park become an Uber to Cinco de Mayo before transforming into the P2P to Time-Out. Everyone knows that there’s nothing more satisfying than canceling plans, so it’s really the best gift you could give anyway.

If you’re really looking to go the extra mile, just commemorate the special day by sending a cursory kissy-face Snap to your true love. Don’t expect a screenshot in return, though. Less is more this year.