Galentine’s Day is the best day of the year: the day women ditch their significant others and hang to celebrate their friendship. This Galentine’s Day, I hosted a big brunch. But for the first time, I felt a little sad to be excluding a group of my friends: the boys.
In middle school, having guy friends was a status symbol. It meant you were “chill.” You were a cool girl who could wasn’t into superficial “girly” stuff. You didn’t hang out with many girls, because they were “too much drama.”
I felt that way for a long time. Then, in high school, I found feminism and realized that I love women so much. I love our strength, how we take care of each other, how we validate each other. I dove headfirst into my female friendships. This continued into college. By then, I had so many reasons not to trust men — so I didn’t put my trust in them. Instead, I guarded my heart, sharing my heaviest weights only with my female friends.
And then, there was St. Anthony Hall. Spring of my first year, I pledged an all-gender literary arts fraternity and felt what it was like to fully trust and be trusted by men. I placed (and continue to place) my love and trust in the hands of the siblings of Delta Psi, no matter their gender.
But for guys outside the bonds of fraternity? I didn’t share much for fear that they would think I was too much, because as a woman I feel the impulse to always be entertaining and pleasing to men. I feel pressure to look pretty around them, to not get messy with them. Because for so long men were, at best, people to be wary of, and at worst, people to sprint away from.
Let me be clear — I’m not making the “not all men” argument, which is often used to silence people who are speaking about the harm they have suffered under patriarchy.
I’ve heard many female friends talk about men who they’re friends with, but don’t actually do any work in the friendship. The women give all the advice, clean up all the messes and do all the emotional labor. By the spring of my first year, this is what I expected out of friendships with men. But since then, many of them have surprised me.
I want to encourage giving others a chance to surprise you. There are also men who have time and time again, come through for me.
Henry drove me to Waffle House at midnight when I was having a bad night. Langston texted me on my long walk home to make sure I got home safely. Sam tended to my beloved plants while I was out of town, Christian makes me feel loved every time I see him, Davis is honest and generous. There are so many guys in my life whose first instinct is to be kind.
