Is the inevitable something to aspire to?
“I feel bougie drinking it,” said senior Jessica Mauney.
Moms
Moms love LaCroix. They love to lie out by the pool, read the latest edition to Oprah’s Book Club and sip LaCroix. They love to go to their child’s soccer game, yell at humans 30-years-younger than them and sip LaCroix. They love to go to work, eat a lunch made and packed by themselves and sip LaCroix. The 20 different flavors give moms nostalgia for the potpourri on the back of their own mother’s toilets while simultaneously granting hope for the future of their children.
A sip of LaCroix is a sip of peace. Yet moms know peace only lasts as long as the LaCroix, so they sip slowly and intentionally and ignore the children fighting in the other room. Visor on, haters out.
“I love the pink one, because my mom loves it, and we drink LaCroix together when I am home,” said junior Stephen Rich.
The Self-Delusional
Others use LaCroix to feel fit, flirty and fun. The words “no calories” and “natural flavor” make their knees weak, their eyes roll back and their heart palpitate with anticipation at the thought of drinking nothing. These people are heart-conscious at the young age of 20 and choose Trader Joe's over Walmart and Pure Barre over humble gym equipment.
They use LaCroix as a placebo: the brain believes it’s drinking soda, as the taste buds cry out in anguish, quickly silenced by the almighty organ, which whispers, “Don’t fear, we like the aftertaste of stale Tic Tacs.”
The self-delusional also are “big fans” of zoodles, also known as zucchini noodles.
“It’s healthier than soda, but still fizzy,” said McKenna Gramzay. junior.
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Bubbles the Fish
There is one character in "Finding Nemo" who no one understands, but everyone respects: Bubbles. One thing is certain: Bubbles will protect the air that rises from the toy treasure chest to the death.
Some LaCroix drinkers are Bubbles the Fish.
To them, soda carbonation is inferior to the bullets of air that shoot to the back of the throat, seemingly before the LaCroix even touches the tongue. The senses don’t have time to adjust from the surprise ambush and Bubbles the Fish drinkers get a gnarly adrenaline rush. The sound of the carbonation settling for 20 minutes between sips calms them. Their other interests include hot tub jets.
“I love the bubbles,” first-year Chandler Brice said.
The Level-Headed
LaCroix is polarizing, and it’s hard to find people who do not have passions for or against it. There are rare LaCroix drinkers who are level-headed, though.
They realize Coconut wasn’t LaCroix’s best work, but they also genuinely like the other flavors. They are rational, mellow people. 10/10 would recommend having a conversation with them to understand why people drink LaCroix, because they will understand if your opinions differ about the disgusting drink.
“I enjoy drinking LaCroix because it is fun 'n' sparkly," said junior J.P. Zalaquett. "Additionally, it does not have the excessive sweet taste that soda does, but at the same time does not have the bitter, gag-inducing plainness that seltzer water does. The wide array of flavors available allow for constant new LaCroix drinking experiences."
"Lastly," he said, "I'd be lying if I didn't say that I feel über sophisticated while drinking it."
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