Column: What's good, President Obama?

President Barack Obama is visiting our University today. His arrival has been preceded by a great degree of fanfare. However, I am ready to make a principled stand.

Popular though he may be, our president should be held accountable for his use of drone warfare, his failure to halt the Dakota Access Pipeline and the increased deportation of undocumented residents. This college newspaper columnist is going to take down Barry O no matter what.

Nah, I’m just kidding.

President Obama is cruising to the finish line, and I’m not going to be the one to take him down. I find the above positions very frustrating, but I’m a Democrat in the age of Trump. I won’t be the twerp who lost North Carolina for Hillary Clinton. I like the guy. Who doesn’t?

In that spirit, I’ve written our commander-in-chief a scathing open letter. I hope he reads it.

Dear Barry,

Do you mind if I call ya Bear? Too weird? I’ll stick with Barry. Barry, we could be pals.

We could be more than pals. We could be buds. You’re just a casual executive officer, and I’m a high-powered editor at a fashion magazine. It shouldn’t make sense. You’re so lax with Pakistani lives, and I’m so uptight about my white privilege. I try to keep my life organized, and you couldn’t be less put together about what’s going on in Yemen. Somehow it works, though.

I drop my phone. Your Secret Service picks it up and our hands touch. I look into your eyes, and I’m hooked. I find myself whispering, “Maybe Democrats don’t do anything wrong.” How could they? You’re so cool, so casual.

Next thing I know we’re at the malt shop. We’re sharing a milkshake. I said I wasn’t going to do this. I wasn’t going to fall for it again. I was going to keep my eyes open and my feet on the ground. I was going to harbor some legitimate concerns about the place of the economic elite in the party.

Boy was I wrong. It’s been less than two weeks since early voting started, and I’m waking up next to a straight ticket ballot and a way-too-exuberant electoral selfie.

I should have known. You always do this to me. We’re just chilling in front of the news. I feel like myself. You start talking. You pause. Oh, how you pause. Next thing I know I’m saying, “Forget about Guantanamo.” You make some dumb joke about a bae.

It hits me. You’re a real human being. You are not a meme of a cool dude and good dad. You make real mistakes. You’re the president, so they’re big mistakes. They’ve cost people their lives. I’m nothing to you. I could be nothing to anyone if you wanted.

You seem like you’re doing a pretty good job, and like you really care, but I have no way to know. You will always be a mystery to me. Idealizing you risks overlooking all those mistakes. The ones people need to call you out on.

Wait, James Taylor is coming? Are you going to do a hilarious joke like in that speech I like? God, you’re perfect.

xoxo,

I love you, Obama.