Ghosting — the practice of breaking up with a romantic partner by cutting off all communication suddenly and without explanation — is a spirit of the time. Let’s cast that spirit out.
The term as a dating meme seems to have gained significant popularity by October 2014, when HuffPost Voices Managing Editor Jessica Samakow profiled it. Since then, writers have posted articles on the internet about the phenomenon that range from critical, to apologetic, to explanatory.
But ghosting is more than an idea. According to an October 2014 YouGov/Huffington Post poll, 16 percent of U.S. adults aged 18-29 have ghosted someone, while 18 percent of that same age group have been ghosted themselves (those aged 30-44 had lower ghosting rates, but within the margin of error of the 18-29 age group. Those 45 and older had significantly less experience with ghosting.)
Granted, the framing of the YouGov poll question leaves some room for equivocation. People who fade away as a break-up tactic but respond to questions from their erstwhile romantic interest could be included in the YouGov definition of ghosting. Assuming that most respondents took ghosting to mean cutting off communication for an extended period of time without explanation, though, then 11 percent of U.S. adults have gone full ghost.
This is pretty appalling because ghosting apologies don’t hold water except in a few cases. As Lane Moore said in a 2015 GQ article, ghosting is a reasonable way to break out from under the specter of a potentially physically violent, angry, rejected partner. But Moore’s point that ghosting avoids making the rejected partner sit through break-up cliches, while valid, misses the damage that weeks or months of uncertainty over a romantic partner can do.
That’s not to say that the impulse to ghost isn’t understandable in the modern age. Breaking up takes a lot of emotional energy. It’s a lot to ask people to expend this energy on each one of a series of people met on Tinder or other online dating sites. The appeal of ghosting is apparent to anyone who has ever dreaded breaking off a relationship (in other words, almost everyone). So, it’s easy to forgive.
Understanding and forgiving ghosts doesn’t make them any less harmful, though. Ghosts deny their former romantic interests the honest words, “I’m just not interested enough in you to keep this going.” Sometimes, the feeling will be mutual, so this will cause no harm. But in other cases, such denials will strike the vulnerably lovelorn. In those cases, the importance of an honest, old-fashioned break-up becomes clear. Honest words of rejection — while hurtful — can be an important tool for those harboring unrequited affection to use in the work of recovering from romantic disappointment. They help shatter the ideal images of their rejector and replace them with a solid reality: the person you dreamed about rejected you. The relationship is over.
Clear words of rejection are small, sharp gifts. When safe and possible, we should give them to those who don’t make our romantic cut.
