You Asked for It: in which Derek has strep throat and it's Perry's time to shine

Perry Carter (strep negative) and Derek Fulton (strep positive) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You: 

Dear Just Perry,

Your column last week about Coker Arboretum made me think about how it feels like there are way fewer trees on campus than last year. What’s the big idea?

Thanks,

Holy Smokes Where Are All the Oaks 

You Asked For It: 

Dear H.S.W.A.A.O.,

I’m really glad you followed your nose on this one and wrote in because DING DING DIGGITY: you were right! There are fewer trees this year than last year. It’s not all in your mind that campus is ~brickier~ and ~more exposed.~

Over the last 12 months, UNC and the Town of Chapel Hill have felled trees near the Pit, on Franklin Street and in other areas. Why this is happening is not yet known, but I will say that the last few times I’ve seen Chancellor Folt, she had on a flannel shirt and her forearms were super jacked like the Brawny paper towels guy. 

Just because we don’t know why the trees went away doesn’t mean we can’t say how we feel now that they are gone. 

One day soon, you and some friends should find a time to meet up at Polk Place (or the quad if you’re not an admissions ambassador). 

What do you still have on this campus that hasn’t been pulled up yet by crews? You bet your ass it’s grass! And good news: the quad has lots of it! 

All you and your tree-hugging friends need to do is lay on the quad and use your bodies to spell a new and poignant motto for the university:

“Lorax Libertas”