You Asked for It: In which we compose poetry and rebrand the University

Perry Carter (Snitches) and Derek Fulton (Get Stitches) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You: Dear Perry,

You seem like the type to dabble in poetry. Is this the case?

All the best,

Perr—cy, uh yeah, Perrcy

You Asked For It:  It is. I do! Here are a few samples of my latest work:

I. A timely haiku about the fall season entitled “Cinnamon Broom”:

Cinnamon broom, sniff

I can’t smell septic issue

Cinnamon broom: thanks

II. An acrostic dedicated to Crystal Light:

Cardboard box with tabs on the ends: the party begins

Rip open a packet filled part-way with pink powder

Yass! It’s raspberry lemonade

Shake the contents into a cup, a tumbler if you’re the travelin’ type

Taloosh! Time to add the water

Andrea, get out of here! I’m making a drink!

Liquid manna, thine name is Crystal Light!

Light pink becomes the color of water

It’s the bottom of the glass

Goodbye, my sweet. You were that way because of aspartame

“Heaven couldn’t wait for you.” - Beyoncé

Thank God the box comes with 9 more packets  

III. A short-shape poem. Guess what the shape is:

I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly      I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly

       I don’t think you’re ready for                   I don’t think you’re ready for      

              this jelly I don’t think                            this jelly I don’t think

                   you’re ready for                                   you’re ready for

                         this jelly                                                 this jelly

You: Dear Derek,

There’s this statue on campus that’s causing a ruckus. What’s the big deal?

Thanks,

UNC’s brand

You Asked For It:

Basically, some people think the statue is too supportive of the Confederate States of America. The dead giveaway came when I realized it is facing North. Some people have strong feelings about it, but let’s face it: it’s just a bad brand. Sad!

Solution: As the North is no longer our enemy, we should reorient it. Toward our new enemy. North Korea. We’ll see how “Little Rocket Man” feels about that. Good brand!