You Asked for It: In which we encourage you to try squash and sing of redemption

Derek Fulton (Athlete) and Perry Carter (Mathlete) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You: 

Dear Derek, 

My fitness is in a bad way. I used to be a 32 waist, now I’m a 36. But I don’t have the time or motivation to exercise. How can I get in shape?

Signed, 36

You Asked For It: 

Hi 36, 

Allow me to introduce you to UNC Club Squash. While we are an official club sport of the highest athletic caliber, full of inspirational heroes like myself, we also pride ourselves on our supreme charisma and welcoming attitudes.

We play on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and Sundays. Whether you are the next Mohamed El Shorbagy or an out-of-shape college student, we’ll have people for you to play with as well as a world-class coach and thoughtful mentor, the one and only Rick Kagan.

36: What’s squash though?

Derek: Great question, 36. Think of badminton and racquetball, the second and third greatest sports ever created. Now imagine they got married after a long and healthy relationship. Now imagine their offspring. 36, meet squash. Squash, meet 36.

Squash will give you the most optimal blend of anaerobic and aerobic, of forehand and backhand, of length shot and drop shot, of physical and mental, of practical and spiritual. As Jahangir Khan once said,

Jahangir Khan: “I enjoyed my 15 years at the top, and now I enjoy watching the current crop. What I did, maybe they can’t do.”

As Hashim Khan once said,

Hashim Khan: “Keep eye on ball.”

Derek: But seriously, come out to UNC squash. You just might get back down to the 32 that you really are.

You: 

Dear Perry,

Wow, I just bombed that Math 118 midterm. Can I have a hug?

Thanks, 

Phillips Phuck-Up

You Asked For It: 

My Sweet Phillie Phucky,

I’ll do you one better. Please take care:

We’ll be singing

When we’re winning

We’ll be singing

[Chorus]

I get knocked down, but I get up again

You’re never gonna keep me down

I get knocked down, but I get up again

You’re never gonna keep me down

I get knocked down, but I get up again

You’re never gonna keep me down

I get knocked down, but I get up again

You’re never gonna keep me down

(Pissing the night away, pissing the night away)

He drinks a Whiskey drink, he drinks a Vodka drink

He drinks a Lager drink, he drinks a Cider drink

He sings the songs that remind him of the good times

He sings the songs that remind him of the better times

(Oh Danny Boy, Danny Boy, Danny Boy)

[Chorus]

I get knocked down, but I get up again

You're never gonna keep me down

I get knocked down, but I get up again

You're never gonna keep me down

I get knocked down, but I get up again

You're never gonna keep me down

I get knocked down, but I get up again

You're never gonna keep me down

(Pissing the night away, pissing the night away)

He drinks a Whiskey drink, he drinks a Vodka drink

He drinks a Lager drink, he drinks a Cider drink

He sings the songs that remind him of the good times

He sings the songs that remind him of the better times

(Don't cry for me, next-door neighbour)

[Chorus]

I get knocked down, but I get up again

You're never gonna keep me down

I get knocked down, but I get up again

You're never gonna keep me down

I get knocked down, but I get up again

You're never gonna keep me down

I get knocked down, but I get up again

You're never gonna keep me down

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing) but I get up again

You're never gonna keep me down (when we're winning)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing) but I get up again

You're never gonna keep me down (ooh)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing) but I get up again

You're never gonna keep me down (when we're winning)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing) but I get up again

You're never gonna keep me down (ooh)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)

But I get up again (pissing the night away)

You're never gonna keep me down (when we're winning)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)

But I get up again (pissing the night away)

You're never gonna keep me down (ooh)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)

But I get up again (pissing the night away)

You're never gonna keep me down (when we're winning)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)

But I get up again (pissing the night away)

You're never gonna keep me down (ooh)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)

But I get up again (pissing the night away)

You're never gonna keep me down (when we're winning)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)

But I get up again (pissing the night away)

You're never gonna keep me down (ooh)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)

But I get up again (pissing the night away)

You're never gonna keep me down (when we're winning)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)

But I get up again (pissing the night away)

You're never gonna keep me down (ooh)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)

But I get up again (pissing the night away)

You're never gonna keep me down (when we're winning)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)

But I get up again (pissing the night away)

You're never gonna keep me down (ooh)

I get knocked down, (we'll be singing)

But I get up again (pissing the night away)

You're never gonna keep me down (when we're winning)