You Asked for It: In which we find some money and help you get into Uni

Derek Fulton (had his column written by a 16-year-old British boy) and Perry Carter (not a 16-year-old British boy) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You: I found $30 outside Pettigrew Hall today. What should I do with it?

You Asked For It: If you saw somebody lose the money: Make sure to keep a visual on them. Also, look around you for someone who might have a Frisbee. If they do, ask nicely for the Frisbee and take out the gum you’ve been chewing. Stick the $30 to the disc with the ABC gum and, to borrow a term from Ultimate, huck that ish at its rightful owner.

If you really did find the money on the ground on its own, then that’s great! This doesn’t happen very often, so you are having a good day. Maybe you should go put on that sweater. 

So, you’re $30 richer and you want to stay that way. The first thing you do is march across the street to Wells Fargo to deposit 1/3 of the amount into a savings account with a decent APY. You put the "gal" in frugal!

Now whatcha gonna do with that fat Jackson burning a hole in your pocket? Luckily, the bank is pretty much right next to Consumer Value Store, that’s CVS, purveyor of fruit juices, over-the-counter drugs and The 10 for $10 Snack Section. If you’re not struttin’ out of the place with 10 mini cartons of Goldfish, then you don’t have what it takes to be an ExtraCare cardholder.

You’re down to a $10 bill. After you send snaps of it to your friends who love "Hamilton," go back into the CVS and convert the bill into coins. I should have had you do this while you were still inside the store earlier, but I got distracted because I’m clipping my nails.

With your five $2 rolls of quarters, I want you to simply feed people’s parking meters. It’s okay if you don’t know whose cars they are. Do a good thing by giving people more time. I have a feeling you’ll get what you gave. 

You: I’m applying to college in the U.K. and I’m having trouble with my personal statement. Can’t quite strike the balance between displaying my personality and coming off as serious. Can you help me get started?

You Asked For It: Please feel free to sample from this sample personal statement, as written by Derek's friend who happens to be a 16-year-old British boy:

Currently I am in the lowest achieving sixth form in the South East studying A levels in Maths and Business, IFS Diploma and BTEC ICT (acronyms!). I am hoping to go to university and do a course based around maths, finance and business management and would like to pursue a career in investment banking. It’s always been of interest to me how the business world works, particularly as my uncle runs his own café, giving me the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see first-hand how a small business works. 

I always find it really interesting and informative reading the baking section in newspapers. I am also studying finance because I “like” (put up with) learning about different things in the economy and how they would affect people’s appetites in the short and long term and I always advise my friends and family of the best ways to spend and save their money to get the best returns.

Politics is also an area I am completely interested in and would like to study further at university. I enjoy debating with my uneducated family about different political issues such as Brexit and have written 2 letters to the government about issues in which I am passionate about: mayonnaise (#mayo) and "Impractical Jokers". A dual course at university would not disgust me because it would mean I would learn a great deal about these two subjects I am quite interested in.

Somehow, despite all of my outstanding academic pursuits, I also find time for hobbies and relaxation. My main hobby is sport. I have played many sports so far in my life such as football for my local team, Foresters, from the age of 7 to 13. I’m also a keen tennis player and still regularly play with my large elder brother. Running is a keen interest of mine and I am looking forward to running again, but this time with my tortoises Nigel and Searge.

My credentials extend far beyond personal motivation and accomplishment, as I have received numerous prestigious awards like the Nobel Prize. Other things I like doing in my spare time are hanging out with my pack of tortoises and watching a bit of X-rated television from time to time.