I wake up the same way almost every morning. One or both of two cats bangs on my door until I open it. I don’t know why they do this, and I deeply resent it. Of two cats, one, Ariel, is particularly adept at so thunderously hitting my door that he becomes impossible to ignore. This is only one of his many flaws.
He can’t be picked up for more than 10 seconds at a time without flipping out, he sheds all over all my clothing and he refuses to eat on a consistent schedule which only enables the gluttonous second cat, Meta.
I say all of this because I want you to know I have considered Ariel’s flaws. I love him and think he’s the best cat ever, but also I hate him and desperately wish a hawk carried Ariel off for lunch.
However, after deep reflection, I think my cat, Ariel, should be appointed to the UNC Board of Governors.
Ariel would be a great candidate because many of his best qualities are currently underrepresented on the board. He’s displayed a high level of curiosity that, while perhaps fatal to him, is exactly the kind of outlook that should be cultivated in the UNC system. His deep interest in the light reflected off my phone screen seems likely to translate to an interest in creating strong communities of learning across the state.
Ariel is also a committed egalitarian. Who better to ensure broad and equal access to higher education in North Carolina than the same cat who is more than willing to split my dinner and my couch with me 50/50?
Perhaps most importantly Ariel has a deep and demonstrated love for the UNC system. Some might claim this is just a result of the fact that his owners paychecks all come from UNC connected entities. That is libel, and Ariel is very litigious.
I am aware there are some critiques, but none of them sufficiently justify why my cat isn’t on the BOG.
It’s true that Ariel doesn’t have experience in higher education, but that isn’t even kind of a prerequisite for being on the BOG. He might not be white or a Republican, but a little diversity wouldn’t kill us.
