You Asked for It: In which we introduce the newest member of our team.

 Perry Carter (Meryl Streep) and James Scalise (Lindsay Lohan) are the writers of UNC's premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You: Now that it’s the new semester, I’m overwhelmed with questions. Please help!!!

You Asked For It:  

Greetings Tar Heels and welcome to 2018! In lieu of answering a traditional question this week, we’d like to introduce you to YAFI’s newest contributor, James Scalise.

Perry felt it was important to ensure an effective collaboration with her new partner, so she took him to task with a grueling interview process. Here is an excerpt:

Perry: Why aren’t you wearing a tie?

James: I don’t know.

Perry: Please put this on (hands James a clip-on tie).

James: Thank you.

Perry: Would like a glass of water?

James: No, thank you.

Perry: Aren’t you thirsty?

James: No.

Perry: I’m going to get you a glass anyways (Leaves to get a glass of water, returns and hands it to him).

James: Thank you.

Perry: How was the drive here?

James: Not so bad.

Perry: Traffic can be rough.

James: It was OK.

Perry: Not many leaves on the trees this time of year.

James: I guess I didn’t notice.

Perry: Funny how that happens.

James: Yeah.

Perry: So traffic wasn’t bad?

James: No.

Perry: Chair’s comfortable?

James: Yes.

Perry: We can get you a different one.

James: I don’t need one.

Perry: It wouldn’t be a problem.

James: This chair is fine.

Perry: Just let me know. Winter break was good?

James: Yeah.

Perry: How was Hanukkah?

James: I’m not Jewish.

Perry: Oh. Christmas was good?

James: Yes.

Perry: You aren’t drinking your water.

James: (Takes a sip)

Perry: Do you need a Crystal Light packet?

James: No. 

Perry: I drink so much Crystal Light.

James: I don't.

Perry: (looks concerned and scribbles in her notes)

This goes on for a couple hours. Perry concludes that despite James’s resistance to artificial sweeteners, opposites attract and can make for a powerful union. He’s hired!