James Scalise (mutual fund) and Perry Carter (mutual masturbation) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column.
Results may vary.
You: I’m flirting with this really cute Australian exchange student, but he’s only here till May. Should I stop this before someone gets hurt or throw caution to the wind and see what happens, signed Tsundere from Down Under.
James: Let me tell you about Rafaela. With billowing tresses like the mane of a champion stallion and olive skin as if plucked from the garden of Gethsemane, she for a semester’s time held the key to the heavy chains incarcerating my fragile heart. She sang like music, and danced as if life were a beach. For four months it was Elysium in Chapel Hill; we made love like Katanga lions under the blazing savana sun. We lounged by the river, plucking from the mango trees as the dragonflies performed their mating dance. The month of May crept up on us like a black mamba upon an unwitting springhare, and I watched her aeroplane pierce a low ceiling of stratus clouds, headed where else but Sao Paulo. I now spend my days lost like a goose away from his V formation, desperate to go south to find warmth once again.
Perry: Piggybacking off of that: I’ve never been in love myself, but this one time I had a really good Pop-Tart. This is our story:
I’m not sure why I made the choice I did. Maybe there was longing in my soul, maybe I was just hungry. But as soon I grabbed that Mylar-packaged treat off the breakfast bar at the Days Inn-Charlottesville, I had a feeling my fate was sealed, vacuum-sealed. “It’s just a Pop-Tart,” said everyone at the breakfast table. “Why are you calling me about this?” said my mom when I called her about this. None of them understood. None of them could appreciate. Were they not seeing what I was seeing? Not a natural flavor or a single nutrient. I give you all the time in the toaster you need. It promises light, like the careful undressing of love. Brown Sugar Cinnamon: a perfect trio of words!
I was very sad when I finished it.
I know what it’s like to have loved and lost.
