James Scalise (Happy Feet) and Perry Carter (Winter Wheat) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You:
I’m a first-year in HoJo, and everyone in my suite is sick. I think I feel myself starting to have symptoms. I want to go to Campus Health, but I have never been there before. What is it like so I know what to expect?
Perry:
Great staff, especially the nurse practitioner who shares my obsession with Boston terriers.
When I was a first-year just like you, my pee burned all of a sudden. I went to Campus Health because I didn’t want to tell my mom. When I walked into the waiting, there were so magazines. I read one for people with diabetes. Even though I don’t have diabetes, I enjoyed reading the magazine. I read an article about Crystal Bowersox. She almost won season 9 of American Idol. She came so close. Her hair is interesting, but so is her personality. I read about how she is from Ohio, which isn’t where they get a lot of American Idols. Growing up, it always seemed like a lot of people from North Carolina made it onto American Idol. There was Chris Daughtry, Fantasia, Anoop Dawg, and Clay... something. I can’t remember. Crystal Bowersox has been a working musician since the age of 10. Hopefully, her parents went with her to those early gigs. Crystal’s audition song was “Piece of My Heart,” which isn’t by Janis Joplin. Shania Twain was the guest judge, and it’s a good thing she was. Simon was into it. At one point in the competition, Bowersox returned home, all the way to Ohio to perform a concert called “Bowerstock.” That was pretty clever. Based on what I read in the article, she probably should have won instead of the guy she lost to.
After I read the article, I put down the magazine. I looked up and saw that the waiting room was dark, and I was alone. I headed home. To this day, my pee burns.
James:
No matter your visit, get tested! Campus Health’s greatest achievement is its testing department. One of my visits to campus health involved a routine STD check, which involved getting my blood drawn and a urine sample. I went to the front counter and was greeted by a man whose t-shirt said “Army,” which he shall henceforth be known as. I entered the room and was directed to put my stuff on a small table and to sit on a metal chair. I used my phone as he prepared his materials, until he told me in a chiding tone to put it on the table as I would not need it for the testing, which was true. He put the needle in my arm and gave me a knuckle touch because I was brave. He also referred to me as “Scalise,” which I liked.
