You Asked for It: In which we get political and/or promiscuous this President’s Day.

Perry Carter (Fitz Grant) and James Scalise (Josiah Bartlet) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You: 

It was President’s Day last week. Do you guys know any fun facts about the presidents we’ve had? 

Perry: 

Hello! Here are some fast facts I know about America’s best daddies. 

Washington: owned like 30 foxhounds during his life  

Jefferson: invented the wire coat hanger 

Jackson: a North Carolina native! 

Taylor: died because he ate too much fruit and cold milk  

Harrison: was only president for a month! 

Lincoln: had that disease that Egyptian Pharaoh Akhenaten had that made his limbs and features super elongated.  

Cleveland: technically was the 22nd and 24th president! 

McKinley: namesake of the high school on Freaks and Geeks and on Glee!

Theodore Roosevelt: the uniform he wore in the Navy was made by Brooks Brothers

Taft: had a giant bathtub that could fit nine adults

Woodrow Wilson: his first name is a palindrome!  

Hoover: subject of a song from the hit musical Annie 

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: first presidential portrait in color! 

John F. Kennedy: had an affair with Lana Del Rey 

Lyndon B. Johnson: loved Fresca so much that he had a tap of it installed in the Oval Office 

Nixon: left office on the anniversary of the Nagasaki bombing 

Carter: HE AND I ARE RELATED

All I know is all I know, and that’s all I know. 

James: 

I’ll detonate this little knowledge bomb: James is the most common first name for a president. Madison, Monroe, Polk, Buchanan, Garfield, CARTER. That’s right honey, Jimmy is a James!

That’s it. I have three midterms this week! Just Google some facts if you care so much.