You Asked for It: In which we get into Spring Break without getting Spring Broken

Perry Carter (Paris, France) and James Scalise (Paris, Texas) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You: Hi Perry and James, 

I don’t have Spring Break plans as of yet. What are some good last-minute places you guys would recommend going?

Perry: Making plans the week of Spring Break? You are some kind of loco guy! But I’ve got you covered. Here are some fun and cheap destinations off the beaten path:

1. DeFuniak Springs, Fla.

At this point, all the waterfront hotels in Destin are booked up and you’re not trying to spend $200 on the last room at the Motel 6. But don’t worry! Just across the Choctawatchee Bay and a quick 45 miles north is beautiful DeFuniak Springs, home to a man-made lake. Hurricane Eloise hit the town pretty hard in 1975, but you can barely tell anymore. DeFuniak Springs puts the fun in DeFuniak Springs!

2. Rio Hondo, Texas

Want a reservation in South Padre Island? That will be both of your kidneys please! Instead, journey 50 minutes west to Rio Hondo, Texas where there’s a Dollar General and the average family contains 3.78 people. Did you know? Rio Hondo is unofficially an ecotourism destination. Check out the San Benito Wetlands where they have recovered only two bodies!

3. Walterboro, S.C.

If you’re intimidated by rates along the South Carolina coast, head inland to the progressive town of Walterboro. Founded in 1783 by rice planters looking to escape malaria, Walterboro has come up in the world and is now seat of Colleton County. After you touch down at Lowcountry Regional Airport, you’re going to want to try all of the Yum! Brands subsidiaries Walterboro has to offer. Taco Bell, Hardee’s, Wingstreet... if you want it, Walterboro’s got it! 

James: 

The perfect Spring Break? I know the answer. You and your three best friends are desperate to escape the doldrums of daily college life, but lack the sufficient funds for the trip of your dreams. You and two of the girls grab some hammers and squirt guns, and rob a nearby chicken restaurant. You don’t invite the fourth friend because she is really Christian. You set the getaway car on fire. 

It’s time to go to our dream destination: St. Petersburg, Fla. Let’s party! Sex, drugs and alcohol are on the menu, until you get arrested. A local white rapper/gangster with a bad boy swagger bails you out. Your Christian friend feels uneasy. She decides to leave and you will not see her again. Clad in bikinis and armed with shotguns, you perform several armed robberies with the gangster. You rob a wedding, even though there’s probably not a lot of money there and it seems more mean-spirited than anything. A drive by shooting from a rival gang injures one of your friends. She goes home. 

You decide to get your revenge, but first call home and promise your mom to be a better person. 

You drive a motorboat to the enemy gang leader’s mansion. The bad boy dies immediately, but you march on, killing every gang member you see, which is a lot. You kill the gang leader while he is in the tub, and drive home in a Lamborghini.