You Asked for It: In which we make pies and tone thighs

James Scalise (Miz Cracker) and Perry Carter (Aquaria) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You: 

I want to make a blueberry pie, but blueberries aren’t in season yet. What should I use as a substitute?

Perry:

Isn’t it so annoying how cold it’s been? I wasn’t able to make any of the fruit pies the way I normally do for the first day of spring! So the selection at the grocery is bad and, of course, there isn’t any sort of fruit filling you can put in pies in place of the real thing. What do you do? The answer is less than you would think! 

First things first, go into your kitchen and whip open your spice cabinet (or give your rotating spice rack a spin if that’s what you’ve got going on). Do you have a box in there containing 100 individual packets of Sweet’N Low? Yes? Good. Throw 40 of those pink bastards into a mixing bowl. Onto the next. Open the drawer in your kitchen that has Band-Aids, pot holders and the pliers in it. Reach toward the back of the drawer for the blue food coloring you haven’t used in you-don’t-know-how long. Oh wait, you remember now. The party you threw for the DVD release of "The Smurfs" (2011). You loved that night. Dribble three substantial drops into the mixing bowl. 

Now, go to your craft bureau in the hall by the guest bathroom and fling open its double doors. Locate the non-toxic Elmer’s glue. Grab it. Yes. Squirt it all into the mixing bowl. Mix everything in the bowl together, microwave it for 45 seconds and then pour into the pie crust you have in the foil pan on the stove. Bake and serve. 

Your guests will never suspect that you couldn’t get good blueberries. Mine never do. Plus, the crust is the real reason anyone eats pie. 

You: 

It’s time to get fit! What are some ways to get motivated so I can have a great summer bod?

James: 

A bangin’ bikini bod (BBB) is, like, totally achievable. Start by cutting out anyone who is uglier than you from your life. Stop accepting their calls and unfollow them on Instagram. They only exist to make you feel better about yourself, which is counterintuitive to an effective fitness program. In fact, make a point to only surround yourself with the most attractive people possible.

Now that we’ve minimized our self-acceptance, it’s time to maximize our competitive spirit and jealousy towards the success of others. What better way to get yourself motivated than with the tantalizing image of you being stronger and hotter than everyone around you? Life is a zero-sum game, it’s kill or be killed! So get to killing!

Now you’re in the mindset. I recommend Orangetheory, which is the perfect place to put your shriveled self confidence and animal-like thirst for glory to the test! Push yourself to the brink and then keep going! And most importantly, have fun!