In the past I have proposed that one of my cats, Ariel, be named to the Board of Governors. I worry that my plea might have been mistaken for jest because I have yet to hear back from any relevant authorities. If anyone reading this column represents the board please reach out because I am still interested, as is Ariel.
An even more pressing issue has stemmed from that article; the other cat who torments me daily, Meta, is jealous of the undue attention paid to Ariel. After much consideration I have reached the conclusion that she should be named Chancellor of UNC.
I will not pretend that Meta is the kind of visionary leader who has guided UNC in the past. She undeniably lacks the empathy, vision and commitment to the public of North Carolina that past chancellors and system presidents like Bill Friday and Frank Porter Graham exemplified.
Perhaps most damningly she is very apathetic, and she is not going to do any work to change those failings if she is appointed.
Luckily, however, Meta has two qualities that should make her appealing to both current students and the alumni donor community. The first is that she is extremely destructive. She tears into couches with her claws, sheds constantly and often knocks over liquids.
This is exactly the kind of energy needed to handle UNC’s most embarrassing controversies. Think about how quickly Silent Sam could be toppled with a little more channeled chaos in the Chancellor’s office. Similarly the corrosive effects of big business athletics and radical right wing attacks from the N.C. legislator have not been staunched by incremental reforms or attempts at collaboration. Meta’s particular brand of vindictiveness could really stir up some new changes in areas UNC has remained stagnant.
This chaotic nature is tempered by her second desirable quality, her ability to get people to pay for her things. I could write a separate column just about all the things she does that annoy me, but at the end of the day, I would still allow her to live in my house. Despite being despised by everyone she lives with, Meta never has to pay for a meal or even clean her own bathroom.
That ability to separate suckers from their money no matter how much they dislike her is the single most valuable skill for anyone who wants lead UNC now. It might even make her qualified enough to lead the whole UNC system.
