You Asked for It: In which we enter the season of sneezing and Febrezing

Perry Carter (will.i.am) and James Scalise (will.je.suis) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

Dear YAFI, 

Spring cleaning: is it worth all the work?

Sincerely, 

Lionel Messy

Perry:

I used to detest cleaning. When I was younger, I would shove everything under my bed, which worked until it didn’t if you know what I mean. I learned to love cleaning after I had the following positive experience tidying up:

I woke up late one morning in high school and, by the looks of it, I was barely going to make it on time to homeroom. This was during the messy days of my salad years, so I of course couldn’t find any of my stuff. I rummaged through piles of laundry and empty bottles of grape Faygo (I am not who I was), searching for my backpack and books. Hot sweat precipitated in my armpits. Cruelly, as I had no time to shower. My cardigan barely buttoned, I barreled down the marble stairs separating my wing of the house from the main corridor. I don’t know if I mentioned this, but my dad is Nicolas Sarkozy. 

Even though my driver Jacobin stepped on it the whole way to school, it wasn’t enough. We pulled up in the Evoque 3 minutes past the hour and I walked to class to the bitter knell of the tardy bell. 

The next day, I changed my ways. I cleaned and I organized. I Iyanla-ed my room. And I’m so glad I did because, in the process, I came across a stack of gold bars that I had completely forgotten about.

My point is that spring cleaning is great. You might say it’s worth its weight in gold. 

James:

Spring cleaning? You think I’m able to clean with these debilitating allergies? You think I’m gonna stir up MORE particulate matter into the air, primed for my inhalation? You got another thing coming.

One spring, in seventh grade, a girl once asked me if I could stop sneezing. I wish I could, Gabbi!

Spring as a metaphor and spring as reality are two separate things for James Scalise. While you’re outside frolicking I’m applying lotion to the bottom of my nose because all of the tissues that have been chafing it.

I’m also allergic to horses. Once I had an allergy attack because Perry had been spending time with horses. My eyes started swelling shut. I wasn’t even near the horses! I was near her who had previously been near a horse! And yet I am the one must suffer?

Have you ever sneezed while eating carrots? Try cleaning that mess up. Then you can talk to me about spring cleaning.