Jack the Ripper. Scarface. The Bling Ring. Throughout history, we’ve given nicknames to criminals who have captured the public’s attention. So how is it that, after at least 10 incidents of fecal matter getting smeared in the second floor bathroom in Winston Residence Hall, we still haven’t given a moniker to the fiend behind it?
If you have no idea what on Earth we just referenced, go read this article and then come back to this editorial. There, caught up? Good. We’ve got a bona fide serial criminal with a calling card walking amongst us, and nobody seems to have any idea who it is or how the perp keeps making a clean getaway — well, so to speak. Is it just one person? A team? Is the whole floor in on it à la “Murder on the Orient Express?” We don’t know, but we do know that with this level of notoriety we need to call the suspect(s?) something until their true identity is discovered.
Coming up with a nickname like this is no easy task. You don’t want something too obvious (pretty much any poop puns) but you don’t want to get too clever with it either (how many people would actually get “Madame Merde” or “The Pollock of Poo?”). The best sobriquets for scat-based criminals walk this line carefully, like “The Turd Burglar” and “The Mad Pooper.”
So, after much deliberation, the Editorial Board has come up with the definitive nom du criminel. We decree that henceforth the culprit shall be known as the Winston Fecal Flinger. Now we can stop using clunky phrases like "the perpetrator of the fecal incidents in Winston" when discussing the issue. You're welcome.
On a more serious note, this is a truly disgusting affair. It's tough for the Winston residents who live on the hall and aren't able to move out without paying a penalty. It's tough on the cleaning staff who have to get called in to handle these messes. It's tough on the folks at Carolina Housing, who can't really do much to monitor the bathrooms — what are they going to do, install cameras inside? If you know something about the Winston Fecal Flinger, let Carolina Housing know.
If you are the Winston Fecal Flinger, well stop. It's gross.
Some men, an old British butler once remarked, just want to watch the world burn. Well someone out there, it seems, just wants to watch it go to shit.
