Column: Shout-out to my fans

My first semester at The Daily Tar Heel has been a wild one. But throughout all the chaos that has defined it, one thing has remained constant: the dedication of DTH reader Mark_B. 

Mark_B is one of the DTH’s most frequent online commenters, leaving his unsolicited opinions on all sorts of articles ranging from editorials, sports and the news of the day. 

A lot of things seem to anger Mark_B, but nothing sets him off more than my columns. He has called me a “Damned. Fool,” and referred to me and my writing as “the worst article and the stupidest author the DTH has ever published.” The "stupidest" author EVER? In all 125 years of the DTH’s existence? I mean, what can I say — it’s an honor. 

The editorial board has shared countless laughs over Mark_B’s ruthless comments on my articles. But the overwhelming favorite — the one that really takes the cake — reads as follows: 

“Claude: ‘I am the worst writer on the DTH staff, and I am the most disconnected from objective reality.’

Paige: ‘Hold my Tide pod.’”

For reference, Claude Wilson is a solidly liberal columnist for the DTH whose articles often solicit strong objections from Mark_B.

Not only does this comment once again imply that I am a horrible – nay, the worst – DTH staffer, it also suggests I am just another basic millennial who somehow thinks it’s a good idea to eat Tide PODS. That assumption, to me, is even MORE insulting. 

So, in the spirit of Year in Review, I wanted to take a moment to appreciate my biggest fan and most loyal reader. My articles would not receive nearly as much attention if it weren’t for him. Yes, his comments are most often negative — but hey, a click’s a click, am I right? 

Mark_B, our tumultuous relationship has been one of the highlights of my semester. Before writing a column, I ask myself, “What will Mark_B think?” (Because, obviously, I’m writing them for you – not for me or for anyone else.) Then, as soon as the column is published, I refresh the page constantly, impatiently waiting your inevitable response.

Your incessant commentary and unwarranted mansplaining are quite possibly my favorite aspect of writing for the DTH. Sure, it’s fun and the people I work with are pretty cool, but truly, nothing makes me happier than your attacks on my ideas, my ability and my value as an individual. I know my opinions aren’t always popular, but at least I’m brave enough to reveal my name and face whenever I share them.

I intend to spend the rest of my time at the DTH chasing the most elusive of goals — the approval of Mark_B. I can only hope that the content I produce in the coming months lives up to his impossibly high standards. 

But in all seriousness, thank you, Mark_B, for pushing me to be a better writer, for forcing to have thicker skin and for inspiring me to consider things from a different – albeit anonymous – perspective. I look forward to your many comments in the future, especially on this article. 

Sorry.