With the many things that have happened at UNC in 2018, the Editorial Board took the time to look to the past year to make predictions about the future. This is what we think the University will look like 50 years from now:
- OWASA will run out of water, completely.
- A literal ram will replace Carol Folt as chancellor (and do a better job).
- The Silent Sam Museum is now a multi-million dollar, state-of-the-art facility complete with a children’s play area, a 4-D ride through virtual protests voiced by Jimmy Fallon and an animatron of Julian Carr reciting the original dedication speech.
- Football team will have a negative number of wins.
- The eyes in front of Phillips Hall now have a nose, mouth and ears.
- UNC is periodically aflame due to climate change.
- Pizza places will overtake Franklin as far as the eye can see.
- The spider on campus gives birth to baby spiders that guard the Bell Tower.
- The business school is completely online, charges a small $10,000 fee to attend, and will only accept students who agree to directly uphold systems that harm low-income communities.
- The Board of Trustees has microphones installed in every classroom to monitor classes for liberal brainwashing.
- Gary the Pit Preacher will still be around.
- It has finally been revealed that the Winston Fecal Flinger is Margaret Spellings, a last act of defiance before her resignation.
- Larry Fedora will be receiving a $1-million-a-year payout to not even watch UNC games on TV.
- The University will have started asking students for donations before they even apply to UNC.
- And, of course, Dook still sucks.
