Kent McDonald (Japanese Breakfast) and Annie Kiyonaga (Full English Breakfast) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
Dear YAFI:
I simply cannot fathom a world without [B]ski’s. Franklin Street has lost a truly groundbreaking establishment. I am at a loss for words. How can I possibly move on from this unimaginable pain and learn to live in a world that is [B]ski's-less?
Sincerely,
Grieving Gary
Dear Grieving Gary,
Let me tell you a little story about [B]ski’s. It was freshman year. Springtime. Flowers were blossoming, children were laughing, etc. I (Annie) was studying on campus, as one does freshman year, with a friend of mine. Said friend asked if I’d like to go grab lunch. I said yes. I was young and idealistic. I didn’t even think to ask where he’d want to go. We donned our backpacks and began the long, treacherous walk down Franklin. We passed Linda’s. We passed Tru. My heart started beating faster. Where was I being taken? A feeling of panic mounted. We passed Ye Olde Waffle Shoppe. At this point, a simple omelette would have sufficed. We stopped, finally, in front of — you guessed it — [B]ski’s. Why were we there mid-day? Who eats [B]ski’s for lunch, and not as a snack at 2 a.m.? I had so many questions. My lunch companion was unperturbed. And you know what? Despite — or, perhaps, because of — my reservations, that chicken Caesar wrap actually tasted pretty good. This is all to say: although I haven’t actually set foot in [B]ski’s since that fateful day freshman year, I remember it fondly and will mourn its departure appropriately. And that, dear Gary, is all we can do at this juncture: mourn, collectively, the death of yet another ill-fated Franklin Street institution. As long as Cosmic remains untouched, I have faith that we, as a community, can overcome this obstacle.
Dear YAFI:
In light of Jeff Bezos’ sexting scandal, I’m concerned about my online privacy. If the man who invented Amazon can’t keep his nudes safe, then the rest of us must be doomed! How can I ensure my right to privacy while also enjoying the wonders of the digital age?