Editor's note: this article discusses sensitive topics such as sexual assault.
Yo — what even is sex? It’s hard to define, when you think about it. Sex is ambiguous and extremely personal, so setting a standard definition is challenging when encompassing the views and ideas of a diverse population.
Here’s what I’ve come up with: “Sex is…the consenting action of all involved parties in the pursuit of sexual pleasure for at least one person.” Let’s break that down, shall we?
First of all, emphasis on the consent. Once again, for the people in the back: emphasis on consent! Sexual activity without consent is not sex; it is rape or sexual assault. That’s a hot take, right? Here’s how I think about it: sex is beautiful and based in connection with oneself and/or others. Rape and sexual assault are based on the pleasure of one or more person(s) at the expense of another.
Although rape and sexual assault have their own traumas and valuable narratives to research and listen to, I do not personally consider them "sex." To me, there is no such thing as "nonconsensual sex," because consent is an integral part of my definition of sex. Also, I want to set the expectation that ALL sex should be consensual.
Next up: the concept of sexual pleasure. Get your notebooks out here. Sexual pleasure does not necessarily lead to or require orgasms! You can have sex without anyone finishing, and it can still be a positive, pleasurable experience!
Whether you’re engaging in an activity purely for the pleasure of your partner, or you just don’t get all the way up the mountain, an orgasm does not automatically qualify an experience as ‘sex’ — nor does it make one sexual experience ‘better’ than another. The pleasure of those involved, not a definitive orgasm, should be the end goal.
If you aren’t pursuing sexual pleasure, you’re probably not having sex. It’s okay, I understand it can be hard to separate these two feelings. But it's possible to have pleasure without having sex, like eating the burnt marshmallow flavor from YoPo.
Lastly, the qualifier “at least one person” receiving said sexual pleasure (or pursuit thereof) is inclusive of masturbation or solo sex. You can have sex with yourself, one other person or as many other people as you want, as long as you have consent! (See how it all goes together?) So, to all of you people who think you’re sexually inexperienced because you haven't had a lot of partnered sex — you and your hand may very well be experts!
