Writing this column was one of the hardest things I’ve done. Not because I’m torn up about leaving The Daily Tar Heel, but because I'm struggling to find the words to accurately capture what the last four years have been like.
Being the editor-in-chief of an independent student newsroom is a truly unique experience that I wasn’t quite prepared for, especially during what will hopefully be one of the hardest years of our lives. I wasn’t prepared for the expectations. I wasn’t prepared for how lonely I would feel.
This job challenged me in ways I never expected and made me a better, stronger person and journalist. But at the same time, I have never felt so powerful and powerless.
I was 21-22 years old and making major decisions that affected the people and community around me in ways I couldn’t comprehend most of the time. Before the year even started, I was thinking about if and how to reopen the office. I was kept up at night thinking about how I would never forgive myself if someone got sick because of my choices.
But there were also so many things I couldn’t control, and I have so many regrets. I came into this position wanting to make the DTH a better newsroom in both our coverage and for the people who work here, and as my time comes to a close, I can’t help but focus on all the ways I fell short.
Sure, we got national attention for our coverage, we won some lawsuits and we produced amazing content despite all the obstacles. I got to watch some of my closest friends and editors succeed and grow during a terrible year. I’m incredibly proud of all of that.
But the environment at the DTH was still unhealthy at times. I knew the staff was underpaid, but I couldn’t control the budget. I knew they felt overworked, but I couldn’t control the news cycle and didn’t do enough to encourage them to prioritize their mental health. I don’t think that’s unique to us — the journalism industry has a lot to work on — but I wanted to do more.
In the first iterations of this column, I tried really hard to focus on the positives because there are so many. But I wasn’t open about my own mental health this year because I wanted to seem like a strong, reliable leader for the newsroom. I had heard stories about how editors struggled because they felt they couldn’t rely on the EIC, so I didn’t think people would feel comfortable talking to me about their issues if I seemed like I was going through stuff of my own.
And it just felt dishonest to not acknowledge that in my last piece for the DTH.
