Satire: Doing Chapel Hill housing by the (Face)book

Editor's note: This article is satire.

There exists a group on campus that can make or break your college experience. It can introduce you to your future best friend or your future worst enemy. It can point you in the direction of a nice four-bedroom off Church Street or a dingy duplex 40 minutes from campus. It can help you finally sell that lamp that you used to cram for physics late into the night (you failed) or urge you to buy another (maybe this is a sign to stop cramming by lamplight).

The group is more exclusive than the Order of Gimghoul, it holds more secrets than the Church of Scientology and it exists on a platform even more underground than BeReal. 

It’s the "UNC Chapel Hill Subleases, Roommates, Off Campus Housing & Apartments" Facebook group.

You might be thinking, “But Hannah, the group has 33,487 members. That’s hardly underground.”

Sure, that’s enough people to fill a small town, but the Facebook group isn’t a town: it’s an art form. If you were in the first 33,487 people to discover Frank Ocean, I bet you’d feel pretty good about yourself. If you were in the first 33,487 people to visit the moon, you’d consider yourself lucky (since Elon Musk’s future fleet of Tesla robots will make up at least 32,000 of those). If you were in the first 33,487 people to try Popeyes' spicy chicken sandwich in 2019, people would literally kill to be you.

To be a member of the sublease group is an honor and a privilege. For those of you who have managed to get past the intense vetting process, in which you interview for two months and are questioned by a panel of five judges while hooked up to a polygraph test — congratulations. For those of you who haven’t, here’s a list of things you’re missing out on:

1. The ‘Hey guys!’ roommate mantra

Over time, the Facebook group has formed a mantra that every member knows by heart. It has the forced conformity of the Pledge of Allegiance, the nostalgia of “Hark the Sound” and the rhythm of “SkeeYee." All 33,487 members have posted a version of the mantra at least once, occasionally putting their own little spin on it but with the same core lyrics:

“Hey guys! I’m looking for a roommate for the 2024-25 school year! I’m a rising _ and _ major from _, _. I’m so excited for next year at UNC! I love to work out, thrift, listen to music, watch movies, hang out with my friends and go to Panera. I love a night out but I’m also happy to stay in and chill. Feel free to message me if you’re interested!”

2. The sublease search song

The “Hey guys!” roommate mantra is only complete with the sublease search song:

“Please please please take my room this spring I’ll do anything. I forgot to find someone in the fall and I’m going abroad and my parents are pissed and are making me pay for it myself. It’s a bedroom at Union it’s really nice and my roommates are chill I’ll give it to you for $700. Please message me this is urgent I really want to go to London.”

Looks like that guy can say bye to “Cheers, mate!” and hello to “I have no one to take my room, mate.”

3. Apartment roulette

If you’re new to the group, you might find the many names of apartments overwhelming. For example, what’s the difference between Lark and Union, Carolina Square and Chancellor’s Square, The Warehouse and The Edition? (Spoiler: The Edition won’t open until the day Raising Cane’s serves its first chicken finger. My guess: 2029). 

To eliminate the stress that comes with researching apartments and making adult decisions, the Facebook group encourages you to plug the names of all the Chapel Hill apartments into an online randomizer. The site chooses one for you at random, and you’re then immediately signed to a binding lease. 

A word of advice: if you signed with The Edition, consider transferring to another school (maybe one that has a Cane’s). If you get Carolina Square, let’s hope you’re in the top tax bracket. Honestly, no matter which one you get, prepare yourself for thousands more dollars in student debt. 

What? I never said this roulette game had a winner!

If you aren’t on the "UNC Chapel Hill Subleases, Roommates, Off Campus Housing & Apartments" Facebook group, I encourage you to apply today. 

With a little luck, maybe you can be Facebook group member 33,488.

@_hannahkaufman

@dthopinion | opinion@dailytarheel.com