Satire: If you weren't in Cabo over break, you're a loser

Every American knows college is mainly known for three things: getting your degree, watching sports while drinking and going on spring break. So, as a college student, it’s imperative to the continuation of your life to have the coolest and best spring break experience out there — no matter what.

There are a lot of options to choose from when it comes to where to spend your week of bliss. Florida, Puerto Rico, Cancun, Costa Rica and Jamaica. And that’s about it, if you want to impress.

Let’s be real. If you’re not spending your spring break in a tropical resort… you’re really just wasting your time.

People can tell where you went over spring break by just looking at you. If you didn’t go somewhere cool, you probably radiate extreme dullness and you likely lack a fresh tan. 

Choosing to spend your one week of freedom away from the pressures of college at home, surrounded by family and hometown friends? Honestly — just lame.

How could anyone enjoy the relaxation of sleeping in, having their parents cook them food, watching movies and hanging out with their friends they rarely see when they could be putting gallons of aloe on their bright red skin (that will eventually turn into a tan, I promise). Everyone looks their best when they come back to school with sun poisoning and a hangover that will never go away.

Work also doesn’t exist over spring break, so that shouldn’t be a worry. Professors know that college students are already overworked as is, so none would ever assign any papers, assignments or exams to study for over our allotted breaks. They know that college students’ mental health is on a decline — with more than 60 percent meeting the criteria for at least one mental health problem — and they want to make sure that assignments over break are not an extra burden for us to carry.

If anything, they only assign work to see who’s lame enough to actually do it.

University employees respect our mental health and our need to have a real break from our academics, so they make spending all your time having fun absolutely possible. Worrying about work over spring break is lame. Doing it is just embarrassing.

This philosophy carries over to other work as well — the kind you have to do to make money.

If you’re a real college student, you should already have enough money to go on a trip, or at least be able to borrow some from your parents, so you shouldn’t have to work at your lame job that only pays just over minimum wage on spring break. You should be able to spend your life savings (or your parents’) on an all-inclusive resort in the most tropical place possible.

It’s inevitable that when you come back to school everyone will ask what you did over break — and nobody will be jealous if you say you just relaxed in your house for a week. So, if you chose to spend your spring break at home this year, maybe you’ll consider doing something different next time so that you can be a little more normal and, honestly, a little bit more cool.

@dthopinion | opinion@dailytarheel.com