Satire: Who would win? Round four.

Editor's note: This article is satire.

The "Who Would Win" book series is a collection that pits two animals against each other and evaluates who would win. Here are my own, with a modern twist. 

Kristen Stewart vs. the Monopoly Man

I think this battle would begin with Monopoly Man on offense. He’s short, so he has to overcompensate with his pure agility, rather than strength. He’s arrogant too. Money makes the world go round, but it won’t help you in hand-to-hand combat. He strikes once, aims for Stewart’s torso, she dodges it. She’s baiting him and knows she has the upper hand. She’s taunting him, like a wild predator. Waiting for him to tire himself out — and he does. Mr. Man strikes again, this time with a roundhouse kick. She grabs his leg and shoves it away. It’s just cruel at this point. The Monopoly Man is angry, furious, he’s not thinking anymore. He begins to wildly lunge at Stewart. Big mistake. Stewart channels the very same patience she must have had during her time in a relationship with Robert Pattinson and sidesteps the lunge. This is her moment. He’s tired, he’s weak and he’s not thinking straight. Stewart strikes, one blow to the face and Mr. Man is down. A single strike and capitalism falters. Stewart walks away unscathed. That’s power. But what do I know? 

Stewart: 1, Monopoly Man: 0

RuPaul vs. the Articles of Confederation

RuPaul: Werk, slay, period, yasss, eat. 

Articles: Oh, that’s not… 

RuPaul: 1, Articles of Confederation: Did not werk

Ariana Grande’s “Eternal Sunshine” vs. the Allied Forces at Normandy on D-Day

I have, admittedly, never been much of a fan of Ariana Grande. There’s never been any bad blood between me and the popstar, but I’ve just never felt much of a connection with her artistry; that is, until the release of her seventh studio album, “Eternal Sunshine.” This album absolutely knocked it out of the park. The release followed months of controversy over potential homewrecking rumors and a split from her now ex-husband. “Eternal Sunshine” is an A+ album, the mark of a legend and, while I may not be a fan of her previous work, it cemented Grande as one of the greats.

This is true, in many ways, for the Allied Forces as well. Our boys at Normandy absolutely knocked it out of the park with that seaborne invasion and ultimately turned the tide of the war in favor of the United States and our allies as a result. It’s hard to say who exactly comes up short in this fight, but I’m fearful it might be the troops. I’ll always respect them for the role they played in history, but without Ariana Grande’s album I never would have gotten over getting played by a man who still wears skinny jeans. All things considered, I think I’ll have to hand this battle to Grande.

Ariana: 1, Allied Forces: Bye-bye, boy bye, it’s over it’s over. 

The ashen remains of Pompeii vs. Kamala Harris

Pompeii was once a great city until a nearby volcano, Mount Vesuvius, erupted, destroying the city and the people within; Kamala Harris is the vice president.

Vice President Momala giggles. She thinks she has this in the bag. Walking up and down the ruins of a once great city, she grins ear to ear. She’s almost mocking the remains. Echoes of the past surround her. Souls still left in hardened lava linger their gazes at the do-nothing vice president. It’s ironic. Centuries of encasement in this decimated city, and yet it seems like even these fallen citizens have done more for America than the Biden-Harris administration. It’s the perfect audience for Kamala, too. She can sit and make grand assurances of gun control in the name of the Biden Administration and then never follow through, just like she’s done for this country. But then. A rumble, deep within the grounds of this city. These fossilized bodies seem to remember such sounds. An eruption squirts into the sky. Mount Vesuvius has done it again, and what goes up must come down. Lava falls onto the city, Harris laughs. Pompeii will not take her, as it once took so many. She shape-shifts into her true form (a Republican) and flees. Don’t underestimate her — moderate, sell-out liberals always come out on top.

Kamala: 1, Pompeii: 0

@dthopinion | opinion@dailytarheel.com