Until college, I had the same group of friends almost my whole life, with little variation in that roster. I love them dearly, but our group’s dynamic and long history left me badly socialized — like a pandemic-era puppy who didn’t know there was a world of people outside the walls of their house
Sure, I’d had other casual friends growing up, but I never breached our level of friendship to invite these people out to a movie or lunch. I had my core friends, so it never occurred to me to risk embarrassment by making more (the mortifying ordeal of being known, and all that).
This left me ill-prepared for UNC.
I was 18 years old and I didn’t know how to make a friend. How do I continue a conversation beyond establishing our names, years, majors, residence halls and hometowns? How can I tell the difference between friendly pre-class chat and a burgeoning friendship? Is there a difference?
My strategy became continued proximity. The most notable branch of this plan was to attend weekly Shabbat services at UNC Hillel as often as I could. I went to the first Shabbat of my fall semester, made some idle chatter and fled immediately after dinner.
It was awkward and hard and I much rather preferred to spend my Friday night watching Tik Toks in bed. But the next week, I went back. And the next. And the next.
Several weeks in, still making idle chatter and nothing that seemed close to the beginnings of true friendship, I took inventory of my efforts. I had accomplished nothing — no friends at Hillel, none in my classes, nor on the bus or anywhere else. I felt like I was showing up and putting in the work for no reason.
At the start of the spring semester, I went to a first-year social at Hillel hoping for something new, but expecting more grueling small talk. Instead, I met a girl who recognized me from a shared class. It was her first time at Hillel, and was probably going to be my last, but we exchanged numbers and plans to see each other again.
To my surprise, she texted me not long after. It was just a Tik Tok that reminded her of our professor, but it felt promising. We started going to Shabbat together almost every week. When she suggested we grab coffee sometime, something clicked in my mind.
