I am so excited to announce that I am taking on a new position as the first female CEO of a big oil company! With the scrutiny that the fossil fuel industry has faced in recent years, I am thrilled to tackle the field’s most glaring issue — the fact that it’s male-dominated.
I look forward to facilitating the destruction of the ozone layer and the construction of pipelines on indigenous land while leading with the womanly senses of compassion and care that this industry has been missing.
As a little girl, I was horrified by the lack of female representation in powerful positions. Why do I only hear about hitmen and not hitwomen? Why are all the most famous war criminals men? Don’t even get me started on the lack of prominent female dictators. It became my mission to set history, or rather, herstory, on the right track and become the role model I always wanted.
Many don’t realize it, but big oil is actually very progressive. By installing a female CEO, we’re doing the most radical thing of all: having a woman operate a hierarchical structure built by men. Next, we’re looking to hire RuPaul to head the fracking department.
I was so touched when the board of directors told me that having a female CEO would help the company’s “optics.” It’s really sweet that they think my looks are an asset instead of a weakness.
Don’t worry, though, they see me as much more than just a pretty face. They also said that I’m perfect for the role because they’ve been wanting to co-opt the feminist movement into the business to “make people look away from everything else we’re doing,” so they seem really passionate about uplifting hard-working women and centering our stories above all else. I look forward to doing more work with these respectful, like-minded men in the coming years.
I’ve heard complaints that big oil companies contribute to climate change, which disproportionately affects women by harming their agricultural work in lower-income countries and increasing health risks during pregnancy. People have also been saying that it makes it difficult for women to acquire resources like food and water, causing their daughters to drop out of school to help with the burden.
I definitely plan to lobby political candidates who will prevent the enactment of environmental policies and also restrict abortion access, but I hope that these girls know that I’m actually helping them. It’s so important that they see a strong woman in power. Maybe one day, if they survive the climate crisis long enough, they can follow the path I’ve forged and become a girlboss CEO themselves. Plus, we all know everything is more ethical when it’s done by a historically-marginalized group.
I am also proud to say that my salary will be about $12 million per year. I think that makes up for the fact that most women in the company still earn about 17 cents less per hour than the men here. Some have suggested that we reallocate some of our lobbying money toward more equitable pay, but I don’t really think that’s necessary. We plan to put Rosie the Riveter posters around the plant to inspire them to work harder and get promotions through their own merit.
