Satire: Kamala, keep your hands off the Third Amendment

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

— The Third Amendment of the United States Constitution

This previous Sunday, I was met with someone gently rapping, rapping at my apartment door, not unlike Edgar Allen Poe. As I answered, I was met with the figure of a tall, brawny U.S. soldier. I wish I could describe him in full to you, dear reader, but I can only invoke the name Hercules to attempt to provide some resemblance of this man. I was lost in his baby blue eyes.

I digress.

This soldier quickly let himself into my home, brushing past my delicate shoulder without a care in the world. Despite my initial attractions, I found myself angered by this. He was the pinnacle of masculinity, but what good was the godly physique of a man without the godly morals that should follow?

I wanted to fight back. How could a U.S. soldier take up residence in my home without my consent? Unfortunately, there was no winning against this man. How could I, or anyone else for that matter, rise up against a man backed by the billions of dollars we funnel into the military each year?

Few horrors known to man could parallel this devilish behavior. The rugs that I had vacuumed no less than a day ago were stained with that familiar North Carolina red clay from his boots. Taking inspiration from Goldilocks, he flung his brawny body onto my silky white sheets and prepared himself for rest.

I begged him to leave, I cried out in disbelief. What had become of my residence? What had become of me? If only there were something I could do. If only the Founding Fathers had considered such a situation, one that would surely have held relevance forever.

If they could entrap us into centuries of gun violence with the intent of preserving our right to a self-assembled militia — something that hasn't been of concern since the 18th century — then surely they would have thought of a way to handle this equally irrelevant and outdated situation. I could not recall such a law.

After patiently waiting for the conclusion of his nap, I began to plead with him. Ignoring these appeals, he threw me to the ground and barricaded himself in my bathroom. I distantly smelled my Ulta coconut vanilla bean bubble bath mixture. His vagrancy knew no end.

What could be done? Unsure of my next move, I did the only reasonable thing a 21-year-old with no career prospects and TikTok-diagnosed ADHD would do. I searched for help on a Reddit legal advice thread.

There. The Third Amendment. A clarity settled into my mind. The Founding Fathers had saved me, with not a minute to spare.

The bathroom door creaked open. The soldier emerged. I shook. I trembled. With the strength of George Washington on the Delaware River behind me, I roared: “Under the Third Amendment of the United States Constitution, I command you to leave.”

I haven't quite recovered from this experience. Healing isn't linear after all, but I don’t know what I would have done without that amendment. I am thankful — no, I am alive — because of the Founding Fathers. If they had not constructed an entire government based on ideals and dynamics that were only relevant during that time period, I might not be here today.

In a time where there is great political pressure to reduce the power of amendments, such as but not limited to the Second Amendment, it is important that we restrict our political ideologies to solely hypothetical solutions which could arise in 1787. Maintaining amendments like the second and third without acknowledgement of the advancements society has made since their inception is of vital importance. Without that, my dear soldier, as dreamy as he was, would have ravished my pantry to no end.

Alas, I was saved by this country's outdated unwillingness to modernize our legal system. For that, I thank conservatism.

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