President-elect Donald Trump has begun the meticulous process of picking people for his junk drawer—I mean cabinet. It’s looking extremely diverse already, featuring people of all skin colors — from pasty John Ratcliffe to the bronzed Doug Burgum, we have almost all shades of the white race. We should applaud Trump’s unwavering resolve to maintain the true meaning of the name “White House.”
At The Daily Tar Heel, the Opinion Desk teamed up with the Special Projects desk to uncover what these picks intend to do once they’re officially in the cupboard. Through the acquisition of leaked confidential documents, we have uncovered many concerning plans.
Abby Lee Miller has been announced as chief of staff. She plans on managing the White House staff by implementing a pyramid each week ranking their performances. Leaked documents express concern that Miller will urge the president to use the pyramid system to rank the states each month, with only the top state allowed to maintain abortion access.
The secretary of defense will be Harambe, the deceased gorilla from the Cincinnati Zoo. Trump has obtained special resurrection permission to uplift Harambe from the dead so he can oversee the United State’s military operations. We have learned Harambe intends to extend his powers into public education across the country by mandating that kindergartens add curricula on resisting the urge to climb a zoo fence. This blatant attempt at infiltrating schools with political agendas is unacceptable.
Secretary of energy Honey Boo Boo, former child star from the TLC reality series Toddlers and Tiaras wants to expedite the international nuclear arms race. Taking inspiration from Texas toddler pageantry, she plans to transform the U.S. nuclear weapons program into a pageant where administrative members compete for Miss/Mr. Nuclear Weapon. Instead of a tiara, the winner will be given the red nuclear button and can test a new weapon on any island nation of their choice.
For national security advisor, Trump has picked Clifford the Big Red Dog. According to the president-elect, Clifford is tall enough to physically oversee the border wall. This is a huge appointment. Documents alerted us that the big dog plans on trampling any U.S. government dissenters, a new form of Joseph McCarthy’s (big) Red Scare.
The labor secretary will be Diego from Go, Diego, Go! Trump was originally considering Dora the Explorer, but his cabinet was filling up with women a little too quickly. As a misogynist and anti-women’s rights advocate, Diego wants to remove women from all types of labor besides exploring. Beyond staying in the kitchen, he believes their main priority for women should be exploring in the wilderness and leaving the important affairs to the men.
Secretary of homeland security will be the Elf on the Shelf. His omnipresence in the Christmastime household and experience reporting back to Santa will equip him with the skills to report naughtiness in cyberspace or at the border back to Trump. He will metaphorically sit on the presidential cabinet’s shelves and will increase domestic mining and fossil fuel initiatives to have enough coal to fill criminals’ stockings.
Trump’s pick Smeagol, also known as Gollum, as the next secretary of housing and urban development will have policies that should not pass, but shall. He will mandate that every home has a Ring doorbell because of how precious and effective they are. Beyond monopolizing the home security industry, he also supports the monopoly of certain home goods and services that he deems to be “precious.”
