Jan. 6 is the four-year anniversary of the Capitol insurrection by a mob of Donald Trump supporters and white supremacists after a rally where he implied election fraud in the 2020 presidential race. After Kamala Harris’ 2024 election loss, shocking to many Democrats, something even more shocking has happened — the liberals have carried through their own insurrection.
The beginning whispers of the insurrection could be heard at a Harris rally held in Washington, D.C., earlier in the day. Unlike Trump, Harris did not explicitly say or imply anything about voter fraud or unfairness of the election. However, she’s currently being investigated for incitement after she quoted a Charli xcx lyric: “I guess the apple’s rotten right to the core.” Since her liberal supporters are well-educated and excel in higher-order thinking, analysis and inference, they knew that this meant they should take physical action against a rotting, corrupt country.
They marched toward the U.S. Capitol, all singing various songs from "BRAT" and holding hands like the Whos from “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” Through the magic of friendship and a shared understanding of critical race theory, all of the barriers and fencing disappeared, and the rioters continued to inch closer.
Though tempted to start running, they all kept walking, making sure not to take away opportunity from others and maintain equity for fellow rioters who weren’t able to run. They also stopped singing at this point, making sure to be quiet out of respect for the political proceedings going on inside.
Once they got to the steps, the mob of liberals gathered in a circle. The leaders of the attack initiated a land acknowledgment — they recognized that the Capitol building was located on the traditional and ancestral territory of Native peoples. Everyone went around and shared their pronouns to ensure that when the police questioned them later on, they could refer to each other with respect. They then asserted that the mob was a safe space for any and all types of people to speak in and be heard.
Instead of promoting violence, they wanted this insurrection to include compassion and open-mindedness. Additionally, whereas the previous Jan. 6 attack was largely composed of middle-aged white men, the participating Democrats made sure that there was equal representation of rioters across gender, race, ethnicity, sexuality and religion.
They didn’t force people to hide their faces because ultimately, my body = my choice. A few days before, an alleged rioter proposed a gay pride theme, so many were encouraged to wear rainbow clothing.
After a further hour of establishing a safe space for land acknowledgments, they began walking up the stairs, chanting “Where are you, Nancy?” They were not referring to Nancy Pelosi, though. They were attempting to summon Nancy Drew, the fictional detective many of these liberals grew up reading. They needed her help to solve the mystery of how Harris lost the election.
None of the rioters were armed with guns, since they all firmly believe in strict gun control laws. They were instead all armed with a metaphorical weapon: the power of educated discourse. They used this intangible power to break the windows with carefully-worded Bluesky threads. In the hallways, they used environmentally-safe watercolors for any vandalism to avoid aerosols contributing to further climate change, and to make sure that minimum-wage workers did not have to do much to get it off the walls.
