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Column: The best — and worst — places to poop at UNC

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I regard my defecating experience with the seriousness of a funeral procession. Over my three years at UNC, I’ve compiled a spreadsheet with 161 entries of bathrooms rated across six weighted criteria, spending more effort on this spreadsheet than I have for some entire classes. What you read here isn’t a perfect reflection of the spreadsheet: I’ve deprioritized the location and urinal etiquette (either one urinal or more than two urinals for optimal spacing) criteria to present the bathrooms I believe leave the strongest impressions. Some disclaimers: frat bathrooms are not included, and I have only visited men’s and unisex bathrooms.

On a campus as large and crowded as this, a good bathroom is an ally, and a bad bathroom is an unneeded compromise. With that, here are my three best — and worst — restrooms at UNC.

3rd Worst: Greenlaw first floor

This wretched corner of Greenlaw is making me sick just writing about it. Its staleness transcends smell, becoming an aura that sits on your skin and makes the air heavy. Immediately, the source of the viscera is obvious: the room is dominated by urinals. They span two of the bathroom’s walls and squeeze the stalls into a dim corner. This bathroom lacks any sort of ventilation or natural lighting that could serve to dispel the omnipresent foulness, despite sharing a wall with the outside. My recommendation — go upstairs or to the Undergraduate Library

3rd Best: Genome Sciences third floor green hallway

One word comes to mind when describing this bathroom on the green hallway in Genome: zen. A tasteful, full-length frosted window composes one wall, bathing the room in a soft light. The bathroom features notes of cerulean and blood orange, giving it a vaguely beachy feel. Floating above the hubbub of Genome’s first two floors, this bathroom is my preferred alternative to the oft-crowded basement bathroom and its dingier neighbor down the blue hall on the same floor.

2nd Worst: Hanes Art Center first floor

The Hanes Art bathroom is a sick joke, a caricature of the poverty unfairly associated with being an art major. The bathroom would not be out of place in a long abandoned building, with its ever-present puddles of yellow and layers of crud, illuminated by a single white LED bulb nearing the end of its service life. There’s always like four guys in there too. Perhaps the bathroom is kept the way it is to motivate art students to study harder, lest they be forced to use a similar bathroom in their working life.

2nd Best: Curtis Media Center

I struggled with the decision to include my personal favorite bathrooms in this article. At only six available toilets divided across three floors, the Curtis bathrooms are a commodity that are worth gatekeeping. The sleek, modern restrooms are always clean and well-stocked. They benefit from a prime location, perfectly positioned to accept refugees from Phillips, Carroll and Hanes. One feature that I love — each toilet is situated in its own room, which is ideal for any particularly difficult pooping situations. 

The worst: Phillips first floor center bathroom

Words cannot express the blinding rage I feel about the fact that this monstrosity was conceived, and then allowed to continue to exist in such close proximity to the developing minds of our young physicists. To call this bathroom a biohazard would confer a sort of danger, a thrill, that is not characteristic of this wasteland. If someone made a room based on the taste in your mouth in the morning after not brushing your teeth, this would be it.

To the highest degree, the center Phillips bathroom is everything you don’t want a bathroom to be: smelly, cramped and in disrepair. The highlight of the bathroom is the urinal perpetually covered in a black trash bag topped by mysterious pools of liquid. With a home like Phillips, it's a wonder that the physics department isn’t even more sadistic than it already is.

The best: Carolina Inn first floor

The Carolina Inn first floor bathroom embodies a brand of easy, congenial hospitality that can only exist in the South. Set in the hotel’s lobby, with the iconic checkered hallway as a backdrop, the bathroom door swings open to reveal an opulently decorated space with charming mid-century furniture, brass lighting fixtures and urinals separated by marble dividers. Each stall is separated from the rest of the bathroom by heavy dark wooden doors and come with their own little furnishings. As you exit the delicately perfumed air of the bathroom back into the lobby, be sure to grab a complimentary cup of lemon or cucumber water. After all, you’re treating yourself today.

There is still work to be done. I’ve yet to document the bathrooms of the business school, most athletics programs, maintenance facilities and some residence halls. Any help accessing these bathrooms would be greatly appreciated. If you’d like to keep up with my work, a link to the spreadsheet is available here. Happy pooping!

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