I regard my defecating experience with the seriousness of a funeral procession. Over my three years at UNC, I’ve compiled a spreadsheet with 161 entries of bathrooms rated across six weighted criteria, spending more effort on this spreadsheet than I have for some entire classes. What you read here isn’t a perfect reflection of the spreadsheet: I’ve deprioritized the location and urinal etiquette (either one urinal or more than two urinals for optimal spacing) criteria to present the bathrooms I believe leave the strongest impressions. Some disclaimers: frat bathrooms are not included, and I have only visited men’s and unisex bathrooms.
On a campus as large and crowded as this, a good bathroom is an ally, and a bad bathroom is an unneeded compromise. With that, here are my three best — and worst — restrooms at UNC.
3rd Worst: Greenlaw first floor
This wretched corner of Greenlaw is making me sick just writing about it. Its staleness transcends smell, becoming an aura that sits on your skin and makes the air heavy. Immediately, the source of the viscera is obvious: the room is dominated by urinals. They span two of the bathroom’s walls and squeeze the stalls into a dim corner. This bathroom lacks any sort of ventilation or natural lighting that could serve to dispel the omnipresent foulness, despite sharing a wall with the outside. My recommendation — go upstairs or to the Undergraduate Library.
3rd Best: Genome Sciences third floor green hallway
One word comes to mind when describing this bathroom on the green hallway in Genome: zen. A tasteful, full-length frosted window composes one wall, bathing the room in a soft light. The bathroom features notes of cerulean and blood orange, giving it a vaguely beachy feel. Floating above the hubbub of Genome’s first two floors, this bathroom is my preferred alternative to the oft-crowded basement bathroom and its dingier neighbor down the blue hall on the same floor.
2nd Worst: Hanes Art Center first floor
The Hanes Art bathroom is a sick joke, a caricature of the poverty unfairly associated with being an art major. The bathroom would not be out of place in a long abandoned building, with its ever-present puddles of yellow and layers of crud, illuminated by a single white LED bulb nearing the end of its service life. There’s always like four guys in there too. Perhaps the bathroom is kept the way it is to motivate art students to study harder, lest they be forced to use a similar bathroom in their working life.