Following his inauguration, President Donald Trump established the Department of Government Efficiency to maximize governmental productivity. To accomplish this, DOGE has eliminated some 30,000 federal jobs and other wasteful government spending like DEI programs, USAID, the EPA and the NIH. To oversee these budget cuts, Trump hand-picked professional tech company-owner and world’s richest man Elon Musk.
Inspired by Musk’s brave battle against bureaucratic bloat, the UNC Board of Trustees just announced the creation of the Department of Efficiently Regulating People (DERP) to promote efficiency at UNC. The BOT cited increasing financial strain following the Trump administration’s elimination of the Department of Education.
“Our university is weighed down by so many pointless departments,” one Trustee explained. “I mean, take English — doesn’t everyone know that already?”
The BoT went through several rounds of careful deliberation to select someone to spearhead DERP. Finally, they settled on North Carolinian billionaire and YouTube goliath Mr. Beast, citing his prowess in creating profit-maximizing brain-rot content. His remarkable contributions to North Carolinian culture and philanthropic actions are exemplified in videos like “2,000 People Fight For $5,000,000,” “$456,000 Squid Game In Real Life!” and “1,000 Blind People See For The First Time” were key factors in the BOT’s decision.
When asked for comment, Mr. Beast stated he was thrilled to be a part of DERP, telling The DTH that the higher education system “doesn’t need more part-time idea generators. It needs super high-IQ small-government revolutionaries willing to work 80+ hours per week on unglamorous cost-cutting.” He then offered the reporter a lifetime supply of chocolate milk crunch Feastables, declaring that they were clinically proven to maximize human brainpower.
DERP has taken immediate action to minimize UNC’s spending, starting with the most inefficient thing of all: learning.
Effective immediately, the University will be partnering with OpenAI to replace all professors with ChatGPT. Expert quantitative analysts concur that no longer paying real humans salaries will save the University millions of dollars.
Next, DERP will overhaul the outdated degree system entirely. Because reading takes too long and is therefore inefficient, all humanities departments will be phased out. At the behest of Mr. Beast, the communications major will gain new concentrations in YouTube, TikTok and Instagram Reels, the most efficient ways to communicate nuanced information.
Upon seeing the thousands of books contained in UNC Libraries, Mr. Beast identified a major area of inefficient resource use. “What even are those?” he asked incredulously. Consequently, UNC Libraries will be selling its entire collection to Duke Energy to be repurposed into a sustainable fuel source for the Cogeneration Facility.
