Satire: Lee Roberts accidentally texted me his hair plans

Chancellor Lee Roberts included me in a group chat about his upcoming haircut and styling plans. I didn't think it could be real. Then he walked out on campus today with a buzz cut, his glistening, perfect hair now gone.

The world found out shortly before 11 a.m. Eastern Standard Time on March 15 that Roberts was changing his staple swoop that was, until now, delicately greased over to the side. I, however, knew 12 hours before he stepped out of South Building that this was coming. This is because Lee Roberts accidentally texted me this plan at 11 p.m. the night before.

This is going to require some explaining.

Pasted below is the conversation from the Lee Roberts Small Group — these exchanges might make your hair stand on end.

HAIRDO LR Small Group, April 9

Lee Roberts: Team — I’m establishing a principles group for coordination for my next hairstyle. As I've said before, I’m not an academic. But if there’s one thing I do know, it’s hair.

Chris Clemens: I think we are making a mistake. Lee is known for his Gilderoy Lockhart hair. To change his look would be inconsistent with how we’ve portrayed him so far. I think we should delay this decision for a month.

John Preyer, BoT: From the Board of Trustees’ perspective, we are mobilizing Olaplex, hair clippers and texture spray, but having additional time might help us identify what exactly we’re going to do; maybe a buzz?

Rameses: Am I somehow supposed to be a part of this…

Lee Roberts: Shit.

Lee Roberts removed Rameses from the chat. Lee Roberts added Ramsey White, BoT, to the conversation. 

Lee Roberts: Sorry, guys, my background in business didn’t really prepare me for a role like this. It would be like if a Fox News host got hired as the U.S. secretary of defense.

Richard Allison Jr., BoT: Is this stuff secretive? Should we move to a more secure platform like ConnectCarolina?

Lee Roberts: Chris, I understand your concerns. I think messaging is going to be tough no matter what, so we need to focus on: 1) Sleepy Kevin Guskiewicz could never rock a buzz cut and 2) Duke funded this. That’ll keep any accountability off our backs. If we wait too long, this could leak and we look indecisive. Imagine what the students would say on YikYak. We’d have to resort to what our administration does best: deny, deny, deny. 

Adolfo Alvarez: Ts pmo fr icl bruh.

Lee Roberts removed Adolfo Alvarez from the chat.

Chris Clemens: Unfortunately, you cannot remove the student body president from our decision-making processes, Lee, as much as we all want that.

Lee Roberts: Shit.

Lee Roberts added Adolfo Alvarez to the conversation.

Chris Clemens: If you think we should do it, let’s go. I just hate to have to cut those luscious locks.

Lee Roberts: As the #1 public university in the country, we’re the only ones who can do this. God bless the Tar Heels. Can’t wait to drink to this tonight.

HAIRDO LR Small Group, April 10

Lee Roberts: TEAM UPDATE — Just left my hair appointment that I had at a student hairstylist’s small business in Ehaus. Heading toward Polk Place now.

Chris Clemens: I will say a prayer for victory. Good thing I’m Catholic so that whenever I do something immoral I can just ask God to forgive me.

Lee Roberts: Just walked out of South Building. Students started gasping and gathering to come look at me. The DTH would be here too but we banned them from the press pool.

Malcolm Turner, BoT: Excellent.

Chris Clemens: ✂️🧑🏻‍🦱🔥

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