Satire: UNC launches six campus representatives to space with Blue Origin

KENAN STADIUM — In a move that officials are calling transformational and fiscally responsible, UNC has announced a partnership with Blue Origin to send six campus representatives into low-Earth orbit. The mission, described as a “cutting-edge leap in experiential learning and administrative budgeting,” took off from a launchpad in Kenan Stadium, synchronized perfectly with the 8:01 a.m. chime of “Hark the Sound” from the Bell Tower.

The stated purpose of Project HEELSPACE (Housing Exploration & Experiential Learning in Space) is to address UNC’s worsening student housing crisis by exploring the viability of orbital real estate. The delegation has been tasked with evaluating zero-gravity living conditions, analyzing airflow quality relative to South Campus residence halls and investigating the potential for lofted bed configurations in microgravity.

“Well, technically speaking, I guess the cost of this flight could fund three new residence halls on UNC’s campus,” said Blue Origin founder Jeff Bezos from mission control. “But launching a goat into orbit? This is the future of education.”

Meet the delegation

Rameses: UNC’s live mascot became the first ram in orbit, sporting custom-made space hooves and a helmet with built-in horns. Sources say he responded well, bleating only once upon seeing Duke from above.

The physics major: Initially selected for “research purposes,” the unnamed junior later admitted their true goal was to “post on the UNC 2026 Snapchat story.”

Chancellor’s Office representative: With a UNC-branded laptop and a strong sense of institutional optimism, the rep was tasked with drafting press releases directly from space. Instead, they accidentally forwarded the full flight budget to the UNC Listserv, with the subject line “We Up :)”.

Tenured professor: Unshaken by zero gravity, this professor lectured mid-flight on Newtonian mechanics and the moral failings of Gen Z.

Bill Belichick (and his girlfriend): The new UNC football coach joined the flight as a team morale observer. He also brought his girlfriend, did zero-gravity couple’s yoga and cut one of the astronauts for poor sideline energy.

Carolina Housing official: The staff member’s mission was to explore affordable living options in orbit, taking into consideration whether orbital build times would take as long as it’s taken Avery Hall to be renovated.

The mission

Once launched, the capsule entered in orbit, completing a revolution every 87 minutes. Unfortunately, soon after reaching orbit, the physics major was charged with out-of-state tuition. The Housing official cited “significant deviation from the physical boundaries of North Carolina.”

While Rameses spent most of orbit calmly headbutting the emergency eject panel, the physics major attempted to live-stream from the capsule’s observation deck, only to discover that Instagram Live isn’t supported above the Kármán line. Meanwhile, the Housing official held a clipboard upside-down, taking notes on the spatial efficiency of sleeping pods, muttering something about “turning Ehaus into a zero-G experience.”

A mid-mission crisis was narrowly avoided when the tenured professor insisted on installing Sakai updates during re-entry prep, delaying essential calculations. The capsule was configured for Canvas. Blue Origin has since issued a formal ban on Sakai for all future spacefaring missions.

The capsule made its dramatic return in the heart of Polk Place. Upon touchdown, the Chancellor’s Office representative sprinted to the Old Well, collapsing to kiss its bricks. He was later hospitalized with frat flu, strep, COVID-19 and what doctors are now calling “Carolina Cough Complex.”

As a thank you, the Blue Origin team offered the delegation a free T-shirt and Feastables from the Jeep driving around Chapel Hill. The Housing official has begun pitching a plan to convert the space shuttle into a six-person suite, calling it a “big step in fixing the housing crisis.”

As for the tenured professor? They're still floating, last seen on a livestream from space ranting about how students need to “return to the blackboard” and how Sakai works perfectly fine “if you know how to use it.”

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