Last week, UNC’s interim director of access services announced steps University Libraries would be taking to essentially ban the biannual unspoken campus event: the Davis streak. In light of these changes, the University has sent out a list of other traditions that students can no longer partake in to continue to exert control and restrict students’ cultivation of jolly — oops, I meant for safety reasons and to prevent damage.
Other major traditions to go are the songs “Mo Bamba” and “Jump Around” at athletic events. These songs are extremely offensive to the people who do not, in fact, have hoes callin’ and because students throwing themselves into the air is quite dangerous. The University claims that before games, they’ll likely replace “Jump Around” with the Kids Bop version, “Hop Up,” a much safer way to catch air.
Because our school’s foot logo arouses certain feelings in those partial to feet, the University will also be banning all Tar Heel symbols. Instead of that staple blue right foot, we will have a blue right hand. The student body will vote on the school’s new nickname. Options reportedly include the Tar Fingers, Tar Metacarpi or Tar Meat Hooks.
Speaking of feet, the University also cites that walking in the Quad creates dangerous amounts of foot traffic — UNC will be closing off the entirety of Polk Place with its signature fences, encouraging students to take perimeter, scenic routes to class and suggesting that athletes replace their electric scooters with a pair of pixie wings.
Drinking from the Old Well will no longer be permitted due to the extremely long lines it creates. In the heat, many students act like amusement park couples — super inappropriate for passing tour groups of families and minors. Instead, the director of water guzzling at campus monuments decided that at the beginning of next semester, we will lap up the rainwater that pools in the Pit. Students will be guaranteed at least a 2.8 GPA, and the University gets a free drainage system so we can keep pumping money into Carolina Athletics. It’s a win-win for everyone.
After a win against Duke, the bonfires that students tend to and jump over on Franklin Street are, frankly, satanic and emblematic of hellfire. Because of its innate trespassing of Christian values, we are no longer permitted to rush Franklin after a win against Duke. However, the provost said they were open to other possibilities, like crawling or foxtrotting to Franklin, and that we should focus on kindling friendship instead of fires.
For reasons unknown, Bar Golf this year resulted in tons of beer can litter and plastic cup trash. As police continue to determine what caused this, the Town of Chapel Hill and the University have announced that this event can no longer occur. In its place, a new senior event called Chancellor Golf will be created, where senior students attempt to poke 18 holes in Lee Roberts’ “relevant experience” section of his resume.
Perhaps the most shocking restriction is UNC’s graduation cancellation. The University said this event draws crowds so massive that afterwards clean-up crews find exorbitant amounts of hot dog wrappers and hope. Chancellor Roberts said that the University “must maintain the despondency I strive to create throughout the year” and that the joviality of graduation is “antithetical to our school’s culture of despair.” Diplomas will be sent in the mail this year, and every senior will get a loose brick from campus that says “You did it!” in Sharpie.
