I swear I don’t rig the cards, or pray for a similar forecast every week. It’s just the way things break. It’s predictable and boring, and I don’t like it any more than you do, but it’s life in the world of movies.
Yup, you guessed it: another Screen Time means another shit-show of stupidity at the multiplex and another potentially kick-ass rock-fest at the art house. But I’m more confident in this prediction than I have been for a while, so if I turn out wrong then I’ll eat my own pretentious cinematic underwear.
"Couple’s Retreat" (Wide Release)
I almost had a heart attack the first time I saw the trailer for this film, and I had miniature aneurysms every one of the million times I had to sit through it after that. Vince Vaughn, in a movie that looks this impotent? Oh God, Vince, how far you have fallen! I thought “Fred Claus” was bad, but this new monstrosity is actually a tropical sitcom about reconnecting with estranged lovers and spouses at a Tahitian-looking retreat. Are you kidding me? Can anyone doubt that almost every single (potentially) funny moment is featured in the trailer? Or that that only comprises part of the trailer in the first place? I can’t imagine that this would appeal to any one other than an estranged couple, perhaps one racked by infidelity or sexual under-activity like those couples in movie, which is itself a terribly sad statement about its comic appeal, and a farce on the very genre of the sitcom.
"It Might Get Loud" (The Chelsea)
I also almost had a heart attack the first time I saw the trailer for this film, mostly because the high voltage of rock 'n' roll bliss went straight to my inmost muscular organ. Here’s the premise: three world-famous rock guitarists get together for a little chat about their favorite types of guitars, favorite styles of play, favorite effects peddles, favorite ways to bring down the house, etc, etc. There will probably be a brief rundown of the history of the guitar, some awesome concert footage, some posturing and posing, and mostly a lot of rocking. Who are the guitarists, you ask? None other than Jimmy Page (Led Zeppelin), The Edge (U2) and Jack White (The White Stripes). Just to put one last notch in the film’s belt, it’s directed by Davis Guggenheim. Guggenheim is most famous for directing “An Inconvenient Truth,” the water-tight documentary about Al Gore’s efforts to publicize the threat of global climate change. As far as I’m concerned, that puts only one or two degrees of separation between Guggenheim and that Nobel Peace Prize that Al Gore won a few years back. So this is, like, a rockumentary directed by a Nobel Prize Laureate. What more do you want? A personal endorsement from Jesus?
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