Extended Q&A: Perfume Genius' Mike Hadreas

Dive: What has your reaction been when learning that you reach a lot of people with your music?

MH: It’s crazy. It’s very surprising every single time. I don’t know, I think of myself as a musician and stuff and then people look at me like…it’s just really hard to explain, it’s really insane. It’s all the letters I get from people. Especially because of the music I make is kind of personal and dark and stuff, so people kind of feel like they know you right away and they feel like they can get down to business in an email right away, that they can tell you secrets and things. Sometimes I just want to say hi.

But there’s been a lot of shows where afterwards there’s people kind of teary-eyed and saying ‘I love you’ back and forth, but I love that kind stuff. So, it’s been really cool. I’ve had shows where I thought I suck and that everything I do is ridiculous and just to talk to one person after a show and they are seeing it as deeply as I wanted and as I do is really cool.

Dive: In terms of live shows, what was it like to initially share such personal sentiments with public audiences?

MH: When I first toured, I was just so nervous that I almost kind of blacked out each show. It’s like when you get up in front of class to talk and then after you sit down, you have no idea what you just said, it was like that. It was like that, then I got a little more comfortable, but it was still very much people were watching me be very awkward and nervous; I thought it was very tense. I don’t think it’s as tense in that way anymore.

And I’ve played the songs so much that it’s not like I’m reliving, and that’s kind of how it felt back then, that I was trying to actually relive everything all the time. It’s not exactly like that, like I phase in and out of doing that—I just got really dramatic—but it’s more of a sharing thing than just people watching me being sad. And my life has gotten better. When I’m healthier, I can more easily acknowledge all of that stuff and in a way I think it’s a lot better and still honest, even though I’m still performing. But it’s been kind of weird to try and figure that out. I was worried at first that if I’m not having a really hard time all the time, is it honest anymore? I think it is and that’s good.

Dive: Do you ever have regrets of putting yourself out there the way you have with your music?

MH: Not while I was doing it or while making things afterwards. Well I guess I didn’t really think about it. I make things and I feel like I’m pretty good at it and that’s just what I do. It’s the only way I’ve ever felt useful or helpful as a person, is when I’m making something personal and doing that kind of stuff.

Dive: You’ve been touring extensively. How have you grown as a performer, either personally or in your musicianship?

MH: I’m a lot more confident and I’m not as frightened anymore. I still get nervous but it’s more of normal nerves. The more you make things, the more you kind of have to believe in yourself and sort of own it because the more people listen to, the times people don’t like it or the more negative comments you get and stuff like that. When the first album came out, nobody really listened to it except a few people who really liked it, so I felt really cool with everything, like I didn’t realize that I was so good.

But then people have said all kinds of nasty things about me, about the way I look, my music and stuff like that. You just have to decide whether you want to let your ego get to you or just try to own it like you should do, for the people who do like it. Make music for the people that want to hear it, and not be scared of the people that don’t. That’s changed a lot. Even at shows, I would immediately, if I saw one person giggle or talk, I thought I must be doing a terrible job, nobody’s paying attention at all, very teenagery feelings. Now, I just know that there are two people out there listening.

Dive: Is there anything that you remain apprehensive about going into a show?

MH: Oh, all of it. That’s what’s weird is that I feel a lot more confident, but I still feel as unconfident as before. That’s sort of how I always feel, from minute to minute. I don’t really ever feel a middle ground about things. I either feel like I’m really awesome or I feel like I’m a really shitty person most of the time. I just get really nervous.

Dive: I feel like that’s almost necessary, and that if you weren’t nervous then there must be something wrong. At least in how I approach some of these things.

MH: And I think so. Well there’s been a couple shows where I’ve been having a conversation and they’ve told me to go on, and I go on and then I come back and continue the conversations. Each time it felt really wrong, especially with the kind of music that I make. If I was making some party music, it would be different, but I kind of psych myself up a little bit. I kind of pace around, so yes, half of it’s probably normal and half of it’s probably me psyching myself out.

Dive: What are you planning on doing next after the tour?

MH: I hope that I get to start making music soon. After we get home from this tour we are going to Australia, which will be awesome. We are going for about a month and there are days off and things, I’m really excited. And it will be a nice way to kind of end the tour for this album.

In March or something, we’re going to be done. I just want to make some more music, because I have all these ideas now, of things that I know I could have done in the previous stuff that I was maybe too cautious about, or meek to ask for. It will cool to kind of try to take and go all out. Which I’m sure it will still be super slow and minimal—maybe like a tuba playing three notes really slow instead of just piano. I have no idea what it’s going to sound like and I keep thinking I do.

I keep listening to Annie Lennox and George Michael and stuff and hopefully by the time I start writing I’ve gotten over that, because I’ve noticed a lot of songs I’ve been writing or listening are easy listening, like ‘mom’ music. I’m basically realizing that, writing like ballady, weird middle-aged woman R&B. Which is awesome, I like that, but I don’t know.

Dive: Do you have any concrete ideas of what the material will look like?

MH: I think probably that I would like to make more of something like gospely or soul. Basically I just want backup singers. Have you heard that band Girls? They travel with I think its three backup singers. That’s kind of my only idea, that I want them. They can be featured.

Perfume Genius performs Saturday, Oct. 13 at The ArtsCenter at 8:30 pm with Dusted.