I'm not ashamed to admit I'm a grizzly bear mom. Honestly, I wouldn't hesitate to make a 4-year-old cry if he picked on my son. I'd do just about anything for Ben — which is why, when he was a puppy, I was really torn about teaching him to swim.
When he was about 5 months old, my German Shepherd was watching my friend and me put a canoe in the water. Assumably in his small, small puppy mind, my leaving him on the dock for 10 minutes translated to, "He's abandoning me and never coming back." Having just gotten navigating a Wal-Mart kiddie pool on lock, the evolutionary cul-de-sac I call my dog decided he had the qualifications to throw himself into a lake. I know what you're thinking — why didn't I stop him. But if my Irish grandparents taught all the cousins how to not drown via sink-or-swim, by god, I was going to keep that tradition alive with my kid. And like, he totally didn't drown. And he likes water now. Mostly.
Now, this newsletter is a bit longer than normal — so if you're a visual person, here's a shameless plug for our awesome photographers: We have lots of cool photo galleries online and in today's print edition. If you like Bernie Sanders, hopscotch or wet dogs, be sure to check them out.
- Keith Whitfield, a candidate for dean of the College of Arts and Sciences, held a forum discussing budget and diversity problems.
- UNC football beat the Aggies on Saturday, finally reversing the dishonor they brought us in the game against South Carolina.
- After the Chandler Kania case this summer, the ABC commission is strongly suggesting He's Not surrenders its alcohol license by Nov. 6 — an unfortunate six weeks before I could've gone to get my first Blue Cup.
- The author of the Pope Center report says diversity in literature is ruining English classes and politically indoctrinating students. I'll let you all decide whether it's surprising that he's an old white dude.
UNC researchers found a correlation between laughter and lasting relationships. It's confirmed: Couples who laugh together stay together. Not that you needed to be told this — there's no other scientific reason why you'd still be subscribed to us after four weeks.
A community center just hosted a dog pool party and became the happiest place on Earth for a few hours. In what could be described as the Elysian Fields come to life — or alternatively, the 11th annual Dog Swim — puppies of all ages, breeds and sizes flopped around in a pool and did other dumb dog stuff for three hours on Sunday. Plus a portion of the proceeds went back to helping homeless puppies. What a world.
Bernie Sanders came to Greensboro for a rally yesterday. Like some Zayn Malik from 50 years from now, the presidential hopeful met and spoke to crowds of cheering young folks and adoring fans this weekend. And for the first time in decades, there was actually something to do in Greensboro! (I can say that; I'm from there.)
UNC should do what it can to help the underclassmen that the Board of Governors' drop/add decision screwed over. Underclassmen and incoming classes might be stuck with only 10 days to decide whether they need to drop a class, but the University could make that a little more tolerable by setting up anonymous feedback for professors.
As midterms approach, we offer some ways to hide from any and all responsibility. Now I'm not condoning procrastination here or anything — but like Amy Poehler from "Mean Girls," "If you're going to do it, I'd rather you do it in the house." So, here are our recommended most ridiculous ways to avoid doing literally anything productive.
It's not your fault you have no will power — you've probably been brainwashed* to need dining hall cookies. None of us has ever left the dining hall without grabbing a cookie or six. We've compiled a list of conspiracy theories to try to explain the biggest mystery known to the natural world — but considering the beacon of reliability we call eduroam, my money's not on No. 3.
*I checked our subscriber list to make sure there weren't any CDS lawyers signed up, but just in case I missed any of you: This is satire; I am poor; please don't sue me.
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