Everything is FINE.

I played fantasy football once in 2011. My friend made me enter her dad’s league because they just needed another body. (That’s also how I made this newspaper squad.)

I don’t know anything about football, but I wanted Peyton Manning because I thought his 2007 SNL sketch was hilarious and he was in a Gatorade commercial with a catchy song I always had stuck in my head. He was taken by the time I got to draft my team, so I just picked guys I thought were hot.

My friend was upset I didn’t take the game seriously, but I showed her when Tom Brady led the Patriots to the Super Bowl that year and I beat her entire family of grown men and their grown-man friends.

Just kidding. I came in like 11th out of 12 because I just quit caring. Sports games are longer than 22 minutes. I should be thankful I get to play fantasy football at all, because student-athletes can’t even bet on their fantasy teams.

— Kelsey

QUICK HITS

• More than 1,000 people are listed as going to the Facebook event for the free screening of “Steve Jobs” at the Varsity, which is like every other Apple event that has ever happened, so I don’t know why y’all are surprised.
• It’s really hard for many students with special needs to attend typical classes. Here’s to the organizations that help them self-advocate and participate in policy reform.
• The Chapel Hill Public Library was revamped in 2013, and now they’re looking to do the same with their mission statement. It’s pretty long, so it involves a lot of reading, which is shockingly not what the library is looking for.
• The Department of Public Safety has a plan if a school shooting ever were to happen on UNC’s campus. Professors are thinking about it, too.

IN EVENT PLANNING

Student Body President Houston Summers said in his platform that he wanted to have “party monitors” at events. Party monitors are adults who look out for potential sexual assault incidents and intervene — and not just your sad, single history teacher standing in the corner at your eighth-grade dance.

IN ARTS

Clyde Edgerton, one of UNC’s most famous alumni, returned to be honored with the Thomas Wolfe Prize for his writing. The best award I’ve ever won was a stuffed bat I was given at a neighborhood cookout when I was 3 years old after being the only child who could successfully do the Macarena.

IN TOWN NEWS

Mayor Mark Kleinschmidt joined 17 other mayors around the country in a movement to open the doors of Chapel Hill to refugees from Syria. They sound like a group of compassionate, delightful people I would like to have brunch with. We could even call ourselves “Marky Mark and the Brunch-y Bunch.”

IN OUR OPINION

“Taking self-care seriously means seeing yourself and your spirit as worth fostering and safeguarding.” Columnist Alice Wilder explains the value of self-care.

IN MY OPINION

I’m having a really hard time getting out of bed these days, so naturally Drew Goins and I are here to give you advice about it. Hope you’re not tired of hurricane jokes!

IN YOUR OPINION

We need your help to make the newsletter better! Please take this survey. Also, just so everyone is aware, Danny and I are only accepting compliments at this time! If you have anything unkind to say, say it quietly to your neighbor. Or submit it anonymously on the internet, whatever, it’s FINE.